Anticipation...

I haven't had much to write about lately...everyday is filled to the brim with school, someone in my house recovering from some sort of illness, dealing with snow and of course all of the wild craziness that comes with a 19 month old boy! And of course the grief. The grief has taken so much energy. I miss my twins, I mourn their loss as well as the loss of my latest pregnancy. So many things stop me in my tracks each and every day. 

This week I am trying to work my way through the anxiety of going to my sister's baby shower for her boy/girl twins expected to arrive in little over a month. I love my sister and she has turned out to be my best friend and greatest ally. Of course I want to be there and celebrate her babies. But that anticipation...the effort of trying to be "ok"  and hoping more than anything her babies are ok...is running me into the ground. 

Truthfully, I am not ok. I am barely holding it together. I am reminded everyday of what I am not...I am not raising my twins, I am not pregnant, I am not able to talk about pregnancy and new babies easily, I am not comfortable looking at pictures of newborn twins, I am not one of the 22 women I know that have had or will hopefully have their babies since I found out my pregnancy was over and I will never really be ok. 

I think I will be better once this shower is done, my due date has passed and hopefully my sister's babies arrive safely. Until then I need try not to dwell in the anticipation and anxiety that goes with it. 

Numbers on my Mind

This a count down of sorts. I meant for it to be my New Years Eve post but life gets in my way sometimes.

4...the number of sons I have carried. This boggles my mind since I only have Maxwell. I think about William, Ethan and our shooting star constantly...easily as much as I think of Maxwell.

3...pregnancies to date. Again, mind boggling.

2...number of embryos still in cryo-storage. Our last chances at a (living) sibling for Maxwell.

1...living child. My rainbow baby, my sunshine. My reason for smiles on most days.

0...number of daughters so far. Perhaps later, only the future knows.

Catching my breath...

Another year. It takes my breath away to think that another year has passed with out my William & Ethan. Three years...it still feels as raw as if it were yesterday.

I think I was holding my breath in anticipation...I knew December was coming and the ache grew stronger. I also ache for the other babies taken from us this month. So many...too many.

Getting messages from friends and family on the boys' birthday was validating. They were real, they are loved and are remembered. Sometimes it feels like I am the only one thinking about them, but that is not true. I am sure no one thinks of them and misses them the same way I do...but that is ok. 

I have also decided to celebrate each birthday with acts of kindness. Each year means an additional good deed, but I can't think of a better way to honor them. This year I paid for the person's order behind me in the Dunkin drive through, donated two age appropriate truck sets to the toy drive at school and will buy size appropriate pjs for Carter's pajama program.  They are all types of things I might have done if they were here. 

Now that a week has passed I can think of them with more smiles. With Christmas coming up it is easy to miss what should have been. So many triggers...so much longing for what should be. It never gets easier. It is so unfair.

Oh, my sweet peas, my William and Ethan...not a day goes by that I don't think of you . If I can't hold you tight in my arms, I will hold your memory in my heart always. You are loved beyond measure!

I am not sure how to do this...

I am trying very hard to cope...to get through this...to not let everything around me magnify my grief... and it's not going so well overall. Luckily work keeps me busy (and out of my head) and Maxwell keeps me focused on the now plus provides more smiles than I can count. There is just so much around me that make the quiet moments hard to bare.

The hardest thing to deal with is the very nearness of William & Ethan's 3rd birthday. November flew by in a flash and December is almost here. Trying to make it to the 4th is exhausting. I want to honor them in a happy way but I am not sure I have it in me this year. I miss them so very much. It feels just as hard as the first birthday without them. It is just the worst feeling. 

Yet another teacher at school announced she is pregnant (we are up to 6 for the year but 3 are now on maternity leave). I should be on that list too, but I'm not. I can't stay in the same room as the one teacher that was due a few weeks before me. She is showing now and of course is adorable prompting lots of comments and conversations. It makes me bitter so it is best if I avoid those situations.

I found out a former co-worker will be an aunt to twins around the time I was due. It also doesn't help that twins are every where...especially ones between the ages of 2-4. Thanks universe...I know what I am missing...no reminders necessary.

The thing I feel the most guilty about, and is sooo hard to deal with, is trying to be supportive/excited about my sister's pregnancy. She is due a month after I was supposed to be due so it is a constant reminder that I am not pregnant. She is also expecting twins so it is impossible not to be terrified for her because of what I went through. 

She is nervous and scared because she knows...she was my biggest support after I lost my twins. She has heard me talk about the gritty reality of loss. My sister is the one person in my real life that understands better that anyone. And I am not very good at supporting her through her fear. I wish I could.

I hope more than anything that her babies make it in to her arms safely. I can't help but be jealous if her though...for so many reasons. I find it hard to smile and get excited as she prepares and I hear about the plans they need to make. If all goes well (please, please, PLEASE), their family of four will grow to six which means new living arrangements, new car and a need for baby gear since their youngest daughter is 6. Hearing about any of it shreds my heart. I want to be a part of it all but I can't get excited.

 I worry about how will be with these babies. I know I will love them, but will I be able to be as close as I am with my nieces? Will I keep them at arms length because they at twins? Or because they are the same age as my youngest son should be?

I don't dare ask how much more or what else I can deal with because that is always an invitation from the universe to throw something else my way. I think I may be at my limit, so universe, can I have a break for a bit? That would be great, thanks.

I Tried...

And failed. I really wanted to do something for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on October 15th.

I just couldn't and I feel like a horrible baby loss mama as a result. These are the things that make my therapist tell me not to be so hard on myself. I am anyway, but I am trying.

Going through another, very different loss, two weeks early made it even harder than I thought it would be to acknowledge all the precious lives gone before they really started. When I started to make a list of names I became paralyzed with grief and had to stop. I couldn't even light a candle for my own sons...and thus I feel like pond scum.

Every day since I have cried for my sons and for all the babies that are so dearly missed. So, so many...and it shatters my heart that every day there are more. It never gets easier and I'll never forget. Even if I can't always make the public acknowledgement...they are loved and missed.

Disconnected

The last two weeks have been a blur. Maxwell continues to battle day care germs and the molars that seem like they will never come in...and wanting Mama always. Sleep is also for other kids...not mine. It has gotten so bad it seems sine kind of sleep training is a necessity. (Any experiences to share?!?)

Saying goodbye to our littlest son seems unreal...it hardly feels real at all. Perhaps because the entire pregnacy was hard to process or maybe because it wasn't public knowledge. I was trying to process a lot of guilt because I didn't feel like I was grieving enough. Why don't I feel more upset?!? My therapist told me to go easy in myself because in a way I had started the grieving process before he was actually gone. I already started grieving the loss if a chance at "normal" and prepared myself ahead if time for the worse case scenario, just in case.

I still feel a little disconnected but will work through it eventually. Mainly I am fighting to stay social. Phone calls are unreturned, I rarely read blogs or check Instagram or even go on to FB. I hysterical can't summon the interest half the time and the other half is prioritized for Maxwell. 

Grief is weird...and sucks. 

Shooting Star

A shooting star is a fleeting glimpse of something that once was, or maybe what could have been. Sometimes you see one and it takes a moment to realize what you just saw...and for a split second you capture that moment in your memory. You try to cherish what an amazing thing just happened, but it was so fast...so precious...that you think perhaps it might not have been real. 

That is how I am starting to think if my fourth son...my little shooting star. He is gone now. Such a short time with me, a flash across my heart that is now just a memory. There is nothing to hold on to, no earthly reminders. If it weren't for any empty ache I would swear it was my imagination.

My shooting star is free from any burden that may have been his. Untethered from us all, but free. It just wasn't meant to be.