Tuesday, February 18, 2014


I haven't had much to write about lately...everyday is filled to the brim with school, someone in my house recovering from some sort of illness, dealing with snow and of course all of the wild craziness that comes with a 19 month old boy! And of course the grief. The grief has taken so much energy. I miss my twins, I mourn their loss as well as the loss of my latest pregnancy. So many things stop me in my tracks each and every day. 

This week I am trying to work my way through the anxiety of going to my sister's baby shower for her boy/girl twins expected to arrive in little over a month. I love my sister and she has turned out to be my best friend and greatest ally. Of course I want to be there and celebrate her babies. But that anticipation...the effort of trying to be "ok"  and hoping more than anything her babies are ok...is running me into the ground. 

Truthfully, I am not ok. I am barely holding it together. I am reminded everyday of what I am not...I am not raising my twins, I am not pregnant, I am not able to talk about pregnancy and new babies easily, I am not comfortable looking at pictures of newborn twins, I am not one of the 22 women I know that have had or will hopefully have their babies since I found out my pregnancy was over and I will never really be ok. 

I think I will be better once this shower is done, my due date has passed and hopefully my sister's babies arrive safely. Until then I need try not to dwell in the anticipation and anxiety that goes with it. 


  1. Any chance you could pull a "sickie" and miss the shower. You could send your gift and your regrets and I'm sure your sister would understand. Or she won't,,,, but she would get over it.

    So sorry you're having a tough time. I skipped baby showers for a long time after losing my son. I just couldn't go there.

  2. Oh, Jess. I know it has to be a struggle to be supportive for your sister with so many complicated emotions and your own grief. I hope the shower will be one of those things that's worse to anticipate and then the day of you're busy and focused on your sister, and you get through it without too much trouble. But I imagine I'd want to have a good long cry afterward, in private.

    Thinking of you and all your babies.

  3. Holy. Twenty-two people. I'm so sorry.

    I'm sorry you never had the normalcy of easy pregnancy, of losing your beautiful boys, of losing your fourth son. I'm sorry that the circumstances of your sister becoming pregnant with twins is so hard on your heart. I do try to imagine how that would feel to me-- twin pregnancies being so unique and rare-- and it breaks my heart for you.

  4. I just lost twin boys in January. I started my own blog about my loss, and started doing searches on other blogs of women who have gone through the same tragedy. I understand how you feel. I can't get myself to deal with anything pregnancy or baby related. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and you are in my thoughts.