Ugh...

Screw you Wal.greens and your adorable commercial about a family with twin boys. Thanks for reminding me what we are missing.

Yup...still feels like a stab in the heart and a kick in the gut to see twin boys. I thought these kinds of things wouldn't have the same power as they did two years ago.

Boy, was I wrong.

Big Happenings!

Finding the time to write is getting harder and harder...especially with so many new things Maxwell! I want to write about them ...but being more active and on the verge of dropping a nap...the time seems to slip by in an instant!

Now that my big boy is 6 months old there are lots of new activities for us to do. A story time at the library, swimming classes and a baby play time at a kids gym. Swim class starts tomorrow and I'm excited! Well, not about putting a swim suit on this post-partum body...but definitely about being in the water with M. He seems to like bath time so hopefully swimming will be fun too.

The other big thing is M has to have surgery next week...complete with general anesthesia. M was born with hypospadias which is a fancy term that means the opening of his urethra is not at the tip of his penis but is on the shaft. We are lucky that is a very basic case and not super serious. Some of the worst cases have the opening behind the scrotum. Maxwell has normal functioning boy bits other wise. The surgery will correct any issues and ensure good functionality when he is older. Believe me talking to the urologist about my son's sexual functions is not something I ever thought (or wanted to talk) about!

I have had major anxiety about the anesthesia including worst case scenario dreams (he never wakes up) and might need meds myself that day! In my head I know that problems are rare...but I've been on the short side of a statistic before and it shattered life as I knew it.

So fingers crossed all goes well with swimming and the surgery!!!

My big boy!

In less than a week Maxwell will be 6 months old! It's mind boggling how fast the time is flying by...and how much I am enjoying being home with him. I will never regret taking this time off and already dread having to go back to work in September.

Yesterday M had his 6 month check up and he is a thriving healthy boy! Like his mommy, he is at the top of the growth chart for height and weight (27.25" and 19.16lbs)!!! Not bad for a 5lb premie that arrived 6 weeks early. I hate to say it but as a boy I hope he won't have the self image issues I grew up with as the biggest girl in my class. I was proportional and a healthy weight for my height but that messes with your head when you are 5'5" in 4th grade and feel like a giant among your tiny classmates.

Sometimes it's hard to remember he was a premie and is on the later end of the developmental milestones, yet still doing things you would expect for his age, when he looks so much older. He is almost bigger than my friend's 10 month old daughter...she is on the move while M is just getting the hang of rolling over and sitting up on his own. I'm certainly in no hurry to see him grow up (the time is going too fast as it is). I just have to remember not to compare.

Maxwell is healthy, happy and thriving and I couldn't be happier! Breastfeeding is going well (with a few painful ups and downs...umm can someone tell me why M decides biting is a great idea during growth spurts and forgets how to latch!?! Ouch!) Our next adventure is venturing into the world of food. His pediatrician gave us the ok to start cereal, which I have mixed feelings about (low nutritional value, arsenic levels found in rice) but the dr said I can try any grain and the store bought cereals are iron fortified so not completely devoid of nutrition. She also said that it is really just a way to thicken up my breast milk (she recommends using breast milk to moisten the cereal) to give him a chance to get used to eating and swallowing thicker food. She also said if he hates it then try purées thinned with breast milk instead. It makes sense I guess...any words of advice from moms already having fun with food?

This Year Was Harder

Last year Christmas was hard...lots of bittersweet moments missing my twins and wishing they were with us since they would be just over a year old and enjoying the fun even if they didn't fully understand what all the hoopla was all about.

That was hard...but this year was so much harder!

Maybe it is because we have Maxwell and know what we are missing. Maybe it was because I didn't get a whole lot of sleep the night before (maxwell was up a lot from a change of routine/environment) and grief has more power when I am tired.
Maybe it was because I felt like William and Ethan were forgotten this year.

Yes, it's understandable that everyone was wrapped up in my son that is alive...he is HERE and so lovable! M has helped healed so many broken hearts. How could he, even as cranky as he was from lack of sleep, not be the center of attention? It still would have been nice to have them acknowledged. I know they are missed, but it sucks feeling alone in my grief. I know that's not true, it's just how it felt.

Either way it was hard to keep the merry in Merry Christmas this year. I'll admit it...I was a moody mess and this year was just harder than I expected.

Meh-hum-bug

I am having a really hard time getting excited about Christmas...I'm not exactly bah-hum-bug screw the holidays grumpy but I am very indifferent. It's kind of sad because its Maxwell's 1st Christmas and I should be excited. Instead of going all out for the wee man we've done practically nothing. Haven't put a tree up, no Christmas carols playing and our only decoration up is a wreath on our front door.

I think part of the reason is I know we won't be here Xmas day (heading up to my parents). I'm sure if we were hosting I'd make some effort but I can't find the gumption this year. It's shameful really... I was able to get my act together last year in the wake of grieving the twins one year milestone and growing morning sickness. I guess my only saving grace is Maxwell is still so young and won't remember my slacking his first Christmas and we can take lots of pics at my parents house that will be decorated.

While decorating at this point is probably pointless, I will try to make a little effort in the next few days. Mandatory holiday music as I wrap presents (I did get the shopping done relatively easily) and maybe some baking before we head north.

I've got to try...the wee man deserves it! After all he is the best gift ever!

I can't process this...

Friday I found out a close family friend's daughter was born still at approximately 26 weeks. My heart absolutely aches that yet another person I know has to deal with the indescribable grief of loosing a child. What absolutely confounds me is how to process the feelings that I have now that I learned more of the back story. The prevailing feeling is anger but there is so much more that I can't process.

This family friend has had a sorted past (drugs, alcohol, horrible relationships, jail) and is mother to three, no four, children with different fathers. Bringing another child into the situation she is in is less than ideal, but its not my life so I have no right to judge (but I am...especially now). Last I heard things were going better for her. This was almost a year ago and apparently things took a turn back for the worse. While I don't know exact specifics it seems that practically non-existent prenatal care combined with poor self-care (including drinking, smoking and drug use) may have contributed to her loosing her baby girl.

A string of expletives come falling out of my mouth every time I think about the situation. It is beyond comprehension...I am heart broken that another baby is dead, but angry that it could have been prevented. I am frustrated, after dealing with infertility, that someone who has made so many poor choices thinks about sex and gets pregnant when it was so challenging for us- a couple with a good marriage, stable lives. Heart broken for another mother because I know the pain of loss but lacking sympathy because she may have contributed to the death of her child.

I am not one inclined towards prayer, but in this case I pray that her family finds the strength and resources needed to get through this and I hope that this is her rock bottom so she gets the help she needs. It is one messed up situation.

F%€K!

In their memory...

Last year I donated two toys to Toys for Tots in memory of William and Ethan as a sort of birthday/Christmas gift. I had plans of doing the same this year but couldn't figure out what I wanted to buy that two year old boys might like...I still may do this but another opportunity popped up yesterday. A Carter's store recently opened near us so I went to check it out. By the checkout counter was a huge box full of pajamas that will be donated to children in need. One thing that has resonated with me, as I enjoy snuggles with Maxwell, is that I will never have the chance to snuggle my twins. I choose to buy two pair of fuzzy footie jammies so that two little two year old boys will feel snuggled this holiday season. It was an easy, inexpensive (yay sales!) to do a feel good deed in William and Ethan's memory.

Tomorrow we are making a quick trip to my home time to visit the twin's grave. Rather than flowers, this year I picked up a mini Christmas tree and two tiny stockings to place at their headstone. As we start new traditions with Maxwell I want to do something for William and Ethan too...they are all my sons and I want to find ways to include them all in a positive way this holiday season.