Sunday, March 18, 2012

Caught in between different opinions...

Friday we got another peak at Speck who is right on target in size and estimated weight. Along with that great news we found out my cervix is ridiculously long (at least 4.5cm). That is also good, but when I was pregnant with my boys it was nice and long until it wasn't...but that is why I am now going to checked every two weeks.

The hard part of all of this (apart from all the anxiety of being pregnant after loss) is that my regular OB and my high risk doctor disagree about the 17p shots I started last week (and had 2 by Friday's appt). The regular OB is thinking along the lines of better safe than sorry. The high risk doctor does not see me as an ideal candidate and feels the risks do not out weigh the potential benefits at this point. Unmm...risks? She kind of rushed through those last time I saw her but this time she pointed out one of the greatest risks is fetal demise. Wait... What!?! Yeah, that is a risk I am not willing to take if there are other options we can utilize if there are any changes.

Hubby and I agree that we aren't willing to gamble if there may not be a need to. My regular OB's theory of better safe than sorry isn't sitting so well knowing now. Both doctors agree that this pregnancy, being a singleton vs. twins, has better odds and there is currently no evidence to suggest any other problems other than my body was not capable of carrying a twin pregnancy to term.

So I guess the shots are on hold and we continue to monitor. More wait and see...but that's ok with me.

Every day...

At least once a day (and more often than once is the norm to be honest) I think of you, my sweet William and Ethan. Sometimes it is a passing thought, sometimes it is recalling those precious days of being pregnant with you and every now and then the grief of loosing you sweeps over me like a tidal wave.

It is not nearly as hard as it has been to remember you with a smile rather than tears. For that I am grateful...while the heartbreak is still there, I would much rather think of my boys with love and a smile. They deserve that. They didn't deserve a life too short and that is the what earns the tears.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

We are 16 going on 17...

Weeks that is. And with the 16th week lots of new monitoring/prevention is happening.

Yesterday a nurse came by to administer my first 17-P shot. Nurse M is a pro and super slick at giving what could be a very uncomfortable shot. It is an intermuscular injection (in the glute) and not so different from the Prog.esterone shots from our round of IVF for my boys. My hubby administered those and half the time they HURT...ALOT! For anyone who has to endure a shot in their behind, Nurse M had me lean over a chair, make my feet pigeon-toed and gave the shot pretty high in the muscle (almost my hip). I barely felt the needle go in she is that skilled! I also got to hear Specks heartbeat two times (once before and after the injection as part of my vital signs check) and since I will have these weekly I will get to hear the heartbeat a lot more often. More opportunities to confirm everything is ok? Yes please!!!

The 17-P shots are viewed differently by my two doctors (reg ob & high risk)...the high risk doctor didn't think they were necessary, my ob says if it doesn't cause harm why take a chance by not doing it. Being hyper cautious about nearly everything I am going with the cover all the bases attitude. Better safe than sorry is not a bad motto!
I think the shots do make me feel a little icky the day after, but we'll see how I do with next weeks before I make any judgements.

On Friday I see my high risk doctor again and we start with the cervical checks via ultrasound. This is one will be the first and sets the baseline. I get to go back every two weeks to keep on top of any changes. I feel like a scared kid telling her about getting the shots anyway...but somehow I am sure she will understand the reasoning.

So far so good...I feel movement occasionally (mostly in the morning when I am laying on my back) and definitely growing out of my regular pants. This pregnancy is feeling so much more real and a lot less abstract. It feels like things are going so fast, but I think that is a good thing. I feel like hope is growing stronger with each passing day. Even though fear and anxiety are always present, hope is winning.