Friday, June 29, 2012

Managing My Fear

For those of you who don't follow my blog about my current pregnancy, this past Tuesday my water broke at 31wks 3 days. While this was the beginning of the end for William and Ethan, this is a currently a hurdle in getting this baby in our arms, but by no means the end.

Basically my water broke and I have not gone into labor (no contractions, cervix closed) and that key point has given me a huge peace of mind. Our little guy continues to do well on our 3 non-stress tests per day, moves a lot despite loosing almost all of his "cushion."

Am I still terrified...yes, do I worry...absolutely! For some reason I am not over whelmed by those dark thoughts and feelings. I think the key has to be that I was not immediately feeling contractions and that was the solid proof this time is different.

It doesn't hurt that my nephew was born at 32wks, was much smaller than my lil' guy and is now a smart, funny, rough and tumble 8 year old! The odds are so much better this time...and I know that is not a guarantee and there are still so many things that could go wrong.

There have been a few flash back moments to the scary moments of my water breaking with William & Ethan. I also have a bit of anxiety about an hour before the next NST, particularly if the baby has not been moving as much those are the hardest...but once that has passed (and I've gotten the reassurance i need) I truly believe this time will be different.

Knowing the path is already so different makes me miss my twin boys all the more. They should have gotten their chance. I hope they are looking out for their younger brother and will help make sure he arrives safely into our arms!

Still Baking...

Just a quick update and a thank you!

All of your kind words and thoughts have kept me feeling positive and calm (I'll post more about that over on

Speck is still thriving in his slightly downsized quarters. Tomorrow we will reach goal number 1 (since my water broke on Tuesday) which is 32 weeks. The next goal is to get me to somewhere around 34-35 weeks. If we make it that far I'll be induced, otherwise if I go into labor we'll meet Speck sooner.

Here's hoping I have more uneventful updates to share in the next few weeks!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Deja Vous but Different.

So today we got thrown quite a curve ball...and I'm quite proud of my self for not freaking the frak out! Because in all honesty, I think a day like today totally warrants it.

This morning, around 4:30am, my water broke. I woke up and pop. That familiar feeling followed by a flood. There was no question in my mind what had just happened and I had a quick flashback to the night my water broke for my boys...but pulled it together right away since I had to make sure Speck was ok.

I woke up my hubby, called my ob's office and got myself ready to go. My doctor (one of two at my practice) was not the one to call me back, but thankfully happened to be at the hospital for other things after we got settled in. I love her!

So, long (and somewhat boring) story short...Speck is still hanging out in his slightly less padded womb, I am not in labor (cervix still closed) and Speck has been practically perfect through out the monitoring all day. Since he seems to hanging tight they are tapering back on monitoring, moved me to a post-partum room (very close to l&d should things change) and making sure that infection is prevented with antibiotics. I've received a steroid shot to help push along Speck's lung development and will get another in the morning.

I am very grateful for the level of care I have received so far. I am also grateful that Speck is measuring ahead at his current 31 weeks, 3 days and might be weighing in at just under 5lbs.

While some things are the same, this is a very different and more hopeful story so far. Here's hoping Speck stays in as long as possible and has as few complications as possible when he does make his way in to the world.

Right now I am looking forward to a (hopefully) long, boring, uneventful stay in the least until it's time to bring Speck in to this world safely and, more importantly, alive.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

A Hop of Faith

It isn't quite a leap and more than shuffle...a hop seems about right.

Some how time has been flying and I am already at 31 weeks. The potential of this baby actually coming home with us feels more real...even in spite of the multitude of reasons I know where things could go horribly wrong.

That being said, we have started to "prepare" as best we can. Even though my baby shower for William & Ethan was just hours before they were born we returned or donated all if the generous gifts we received. We have very little for this new baby which is not all bad. We hadn't even prepared the nursery for the twins but have had a crib in the attic from my sister in law this whole time. But we are ready to get ready and that means some purchasing had to happen.

A ordered a glider for the baby's room, the hubby ordered a car seat and today I made a few purchases for my hospital bag. Buying an outfit (or two) freaked me out the most. I gave tried to do this three times and left the store empty handed. Today I did it...I purchased two things for Speck. The kind of sad part is that I was able to actually go through with it because I could make the justification that live or die, my Speck will need an outfit. Such is the thought process of a baby-loss parent.

My two very good friends have little boys and have generously offered me bins of clothing and toys. I received 3 bins of mostly 12-24 month sized clothing but I am allowing it to be in the house. More is coming and I can't quite fully wrap my head around the fact that Speck will get to wear this stuff.

On a completely different note, today was my last day with students and tomorrow is my last staff day at school. The year has flown and I have been doing my best to prepare my classroom for my maternity leave sub. Not being there in the Fall to organize/put away my supplies freaks me out a little. Leaving my students and room in the hands of someone else is such a bizarre feeling. On one hand I am feeling a little OCD and worried. On the other hand I know that this is a great thing because I'll be home with our little guy once he gets here.

See...I am trying to believe this is going to work out ok. Little steps and hops of faith.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

On to the third trimester...

It is a really strange feeling to have every day be the most pregnant I've ever been. To be entering a whole new trimester just boggles my mind.

My hubby keeps asking me if we are out of the "danger zone" and my response is always the same. We will never be out of danger of loosing this can happen at any time for any number of reasons. I wish I could just say, yes, we are safe.

On a brighter note, things are going well so far. I now see my OB every two weeks at my last appointment I passed my glucose test and all bloodwork came back normal. Speck is moving like crazy and when I do kick counts (which I never got to do for William & Ethan) we average 10-15 min to get 10 major movements. I even had some very visible movements about a week ago and recorded it so hubby could was pretty wild! Although I rarely felt kicks with my twins, Ethan would roll and shift and it was occasionally visible. William was so much lower and further back that he made his presence known by pushing against my bladder.

I think feeling Speck move has to be the very best part of being pregnant. I have few "complaints" so i would definitely categorize myself as having a relatively easy pregnancy (apart from the fear, worry and anxiety). I even revel in the not so fun aspects if pregnancy...feet swollen, huh look at that...gotta pee for the second time in less than an hour, hey at least I'm hydrated! Honestly, after dealing with infertility and loss I truly am grateful to be pregnant and for being the most pregnant I've ever been.

While I can't say there is a huge amount of relief getting closer to my due date, it is, however, pretty awe inspiring. With every day that passes I start to believe this might all work out...all of the worry and fear (and the awe and hope) will be worth it. Only time will tell.