Friday, May 24, 2013


Sleep is a precious commodity to parents, whether we are talking about the child or the parent (and its usually linked). And when sleep-deprived parents are desperate!

Last night M woke up around 2:30am to nurse...nothing out of the ordinary. He was pretty much asleep again as I attempted to put him back in his crib. M, however, wanted none of that and was wide awake. All attempts at resettling were met with whines, grumbles, crying and flailing. For close to three hours this went on. I decided to attempt co-sleeping with him in the guest room (a tactic that has worked in the past) but no dice. Another half hour of baby boy thrashing, whining, rolling around and attempting head stands. He was exhausted and so was I. About the time the husband was getting ready for work (5ish) M finally settled down and snuggled up to nurse and we both dozed for an hour or so. 

(Yes, little man, you are.)

Nap time came very early and it seemed to be another possible battle to get him to nap in the crib but I've resorted to sleep by any means necessary. M is snuggled in my arms, nursing at will and still asleep for just over two hours. I don't know if it is teething, growth spurt, sniffles from a cold or allergies or all of the above. I hope that M wakes up on the happy side of his nap. 

At times like this I wonder how I ever could have managed twins. I would have because you just figure it out. Oh how I would have loved to try. My sleep deprivation isn't making it easy to contemplate. It always hurts more when I'm tired. 

Monday, May 20, 2013

One Space

I imported all my posts from my other blog (A Speck of Hope) so that everything is on this one space. If you use a RSS reader and it exploded with posts, my apologies for the influx. It just feels like I shouldn't be separating my life and thoughts into two journals. Everything is all blended together in real life (grief, joy, my three sons, etc.) and so it is here.

I made another trip up to my home town and this time I made sure to stop by the cemetery to visit William & Ethan. I had Maxwell with me...the first time all three of my boys were in the same place (other than hanging out in a petri dish post-retrieval during our very first IVF cycle that resulted in me getting pregnant with the twins). There were tears (mine) and a brief introduction. I promised Maxwell he would know his brothers as best as we could and I would tell him all about them as he grew up and could better understand. We picked some lilacs and left them on the twins' stone and headed home. Another merging of my worlds and wishing that I could blend this one in a much happier way, but knowing it will never be.

Thursday, May 2, 2013


Sleep deprivation is a strange thing. It makes me forgetful, giddy, tearful, hungry, not hungry, and just plain not myself. Thanks to a teething baby there is not a lot of sleep to be had the last two weeks. I wouldn't trade these moments for anything.

I am especially prone to random thoughts and here are some that are recurring...

- I've been having many PTSD like flashes from the day the twins were born particularly of William's birth and being asked if they should continue trying to resuscitate him and Daron saying keep going while I was having a contraction and unable to respond. I knew in my heart he was already gone.

- I found a necklace in the key bowl by the door that has been there for almost 2.5 years. I wore it to my baby shower and last took it off in the emergency room before the twins were born. When I cleaned out my purse when we came home I must have put it there. I haven't worn it (or any other necklace), except for my necklace with my sons' initials, since December 2010.

- Sometimes when Maxwell is sleeping he looks exactly like Ethan in the short time he was alive. I cry every single time.

- I think a lot about the way our IVF cycles have played out. How William and Ethan were paired, but we lost them and how it could have been Maxwell in that pairing instead. I also wonder who might be in the last two embryos in cryo storage. Will there be a sibling(s) there a girl(s)?

- how different would life be if Ethan had hung in there and lived? What would the relationship be like between my boys?

- I am simultaneously looking forward to and dreading Mother's Day. I've had such angst about it for 5 years thanks to infertility and grief that I'm not sure I can enjoy it.

I know there have been many more thoughts but the forgetfulness of sleep deprivation has locked many away. So much on my mind...