Sunday, February 26, 2012

Here and Now

“Do not look back. And do not dream about the future, either. It will neither give you back the past, nor satisfy your other daydreams. Your duty, your reward—your destiny—are here and now.”
--Dag Hammarskjold, Markings

I follow a blog by the author of The Happiness Project and this was the quote at the beginning of a post I read today. It really struck much that I had to share it. I've been having so many flashbacks to the days I gave birth to and lost my sons ever since I met with the high risk doctor. I need frequent reminders not to dwell on those days...the two most difficult days I have ever experienced. Those memories are vivid and strong as if it were yesterday. It is shocking, still, to feel their power. It takes all I have to pull my self out of them.

To be honest I find it nearly impossible to dream about the future, especially relating to this current pregnancy, because I know at any moment it could be over. I continue to try to enjoy each moment and let the fear be what it is and let it go (easier said than done most days, but I try). Of course, I do catch myself contemplating things like the nursery and the sex of the baby but it is usually tempered with a great big "IF we get that far..."

Remembering my boys and talking about them is emotional...sometimes sad and teary, other times all smiles. Even a year and nearly three months later I still waffle between heartbreak and joy. I imagine that will never change. I still struggle with "should be" thoughts and how they make me feel.

I know a million wishes will never bring them back to me, yet I still make those wishes.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

14 Weeks, So long 1st Trimester

As far as I can tell things are going well. Other than the obvious nervousness and insanely crazy anxiety dreams I keep having (which I won't describe because they are that disturbing) I feel ok about this pregnancy so far.

Thanks to my expanding waistline I now need to use the rubber band trick on nearly all of my pants! I even broke out some of my maternity clothing and I forgot I had I great pair of low-waisted jeans that are uber comfy (not the full panel kind). It won't be long before it is pretty obvious that I am preggers and not just munching too many donuts, which I am but that is besides the point.

The only challenge I am having is sharing our news. Not so excited about that to be honest. Those closest to me already know and I have told a few other people but I am not planning any grand announcement. I think hubby would like to, but I have real reservations. Other than being terrified that something will go wrong, there is no reason not to share this pregnancy. My principle wants to let the staff know (mainly so they don't ask me for lots of extra project help and won't be surprised if I am suddenly put on leave) and I am kind of dreading dealing with all of the extra attention.

My next appointment with my regular OB is this coming Tuesday. A little confirmation that things are still ok would be wonderful...please, oh, please let everything be ok!!!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Hello there!

Seeing this on the screen washed away the worries for just a moment...

Monday, February 6, 2012

A Second Car, Baggage Included...

Buying a new car is a dreaded and fun experience all rolled into one. Does anyone really enjoy the nitty gritty details, filling out that paperwork? But getting to test drive and take it home, that is fun.

When we found out we were expecting our sons we started researching a new vehicle. We had more or less settled on a CRV and planned on buying one a month or so before they were due (Jan or Feb 2011). That plan went out the window when our boys were born prematurely and died as a result.

So here we are a year later actually using the initial research which led us back to a new CRV purchase since being a 1 car family is not working anymore. It wasn't until I was driving the new car home that the realization that the plan had been a new CRV with two car seats in the back, not empty like it is now. And that was how my weekend came to a close...ugh!

The rest of the week was filled with increased anxiety leading up to my appointment with the high risk specialist. The dread of having to retell the story of my sons' birth/death weighed heavier and heavier. The only bright spot was knowing I would get a peak at Speck again.

I liked the doctor, she was kind, sensitive and straight forward. I couldn't control my tears, but she was understanding. Unfortunately, there are no specific reasons as to why I went into premature labor. This doctor says there is little to no chance that incompetent cervix is to blame (which is good news for my current pregnancy) and unless the pathology report from the placenta (which is missing from my copy of the hospital records) shows infection there really is no other explanation other than it was my body's inability to carry a twin pregnancy. Despite the "anticipated positive outcome" of a singleton pregnancy, I will have frequent (most likely every 2 weeks) cervical checks starting at 16 weeks.

The doctor also said that she is not too concerned about me being on my feet all day since studies have shown that preventative bed rest has little to no affect on pregnancy outcomes. I know I am nervous and over-cautious, but it is hard to turn off the instinct that doing what my job requires (on my feet and constantly moving) might be too much while I am pregnant.

All of this has been kind of hard to process...I have always felt that my body failed my boys. Not necessarily that I personally failed or could have changed what happened, but that something went wrong. However, not having any other reason other than my body failed does not make me feel fact I think I feel worse. The "why" will always be a mystery (unless I can track down that pathology report and I am mistaken about the dr who delivered the boys saying no infection was present).

While I re-reconcile the loss of my boys there have been more tears than I've had in a long time. Revisiting those darkest of days has put me right back in that hard place. And as much as I love my new car, I can't help but long for those two car seats that should be there holding my sons.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Looking good!

Today was my first appointment with my regular OB...I was more than a little nervous, had a laundry list of questions and needed a lot of reassurance that everything was ok.

One thing I love about my doctor is that she usually answers my questions before I even ask them. As soon as she walked into the exam room, after she told me how thrilled she was for me, she immediately laid out her plan. I was a little caught off guard, but had her review it again during our q&a in her office.

Basically the general plan is to have a consult appointment with a MFM specialist in which, if it goes as she anticipates, I will have regular cervical monitoring and additional appointments. If signs of dilation or funneling occur we will discuss a cerclage, bedrest, etc. In addition, my doctor thinks progesterone support, in the form of P17 shots, will help. Apparently there is a company that comes to your house to administer the shots.

That is basically it for now, but as she said, the plan will develop as my pregnancy progresses. I can live with that. The only part of the plan that I didn't really get settled was my time at work. She didn't feel that at this stage being on my feet as much as I am was a concern, but was understanding of my concern. She did say that the MFM may have more to say. The one thing that she was concerned about was my exposure to germs, but that short of wearing a mask I was doing the best I can and to continue to have conversations with the school nurse about what is going around.

My exam ended on the best possible note...another peek at our ever growing speck! It was such a relief to see the flutter of the heart beat and a joy to see Speck twist and wave! S/he was very wiggly which squelched the biggest fear I had...whew!

A better day...

Yesterday was a pretty dark day filled with fear and grief. Despite the grey clouds, a little ray of sunshine pushed back the fear when I found out our baby is ok.

Still scared, but for this second, all is good.

(A more detailed update to follow over on