This week I am trying to work my way through the anxiety of going to my sister's baby shower for her boy/girl twins expected to arrive in little over a month. I love my sister and she has turned out to be my best friend and greatest ally. Of course I want to be there and celebrate her babies. But that anticipation...the effort of trying to be "ok" and hoping more than anything her babies are ok...is running me into the ground.
Truthfully, I am not ok. I am barely holding it together. I am reminded everyday of what I am not...I am not raising my twins, I am not pregnant, I am not able to talk about pregnancy and new babies easily, I am not comfortable looking at pictures of newborn twins, I am not one of the 22 women I know that have had or will hopefully have their babies since I found out my pregnancy was over and I will never really be ok.
I think I will be better once this shower is done, my due date has passed and hopefully my sister's babies arrive safely. Until then I need try not to dwell in the anticipation and anxiety that goes with it.