Friday, November 25, 2011


Or at least trying to focus on the things I am thankful amazing husband, loving family and friends, a job that I love, I am alive and relatively healthy. If I try the list could be quite long. The truth is that each thought ends with "...but I don't have my sons."

It is very hard to focus on all that is good in my life when such a huge part is missing. That gaping hole where my sons should be has been hard to ignore as the holiday season is in full swing. From their absence at the family Thanksgiving gathering to the generic holiday cards I am preparing in an attempt to fill my minutes in the week before their first birthday I can't celebrate with joy.

In the alternate universe where they lived we would have packed them up to take to my sister-in-laws (or everyone would have come to our house) where they would be fawned over while making a complete mess eating their first big turkey dinner. I also would have created some cute holiday card with their recent photo...or maybe we would have our hands so full we wouldn't even send out cards. The final birthday party plans would need to be confirmed.

But that is not the universe where I live.

In my reality I had a nice turkey day with my in-laws, tried not to think too hard about how much my nephews look like my boys and repeatedly made mental notes of all the things I have to be thankful for in my life as it is. Today the sun is shining and I am getting ready to stuff the holiday cards I bought last year (but didn't send because I was too mired in grief) that are photo-free and signed only with my hubby's name and mine.

Today I am focusing on what I am most grateful for...

...another chance to try again to build my family. sons, even if they can not be here with me.
...the wonderful people in my life.

I am especially thankful for my fellow baby loss mammas...the kinship and support I have found among you has helped me survive this year.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Rolling with it...

Or at least trying to roll with the uncertainty that is inherent to another FET cycle. Cycle day one(aka my period) arrived finally so I get to get up bright and early tomorrow to go in to the RE's office before school to get day 3 blood work and u/s done. If this FET is anything like my last it could mean a transfer on day 19. This wouldn't be a big deal, except that day 19 is December sons' birthday. The very thought of that possibility is mind twisting. I will have to talk to my nurse to see what we can do about not having that as a transfer just doesn't feel right. There is also a (very good) possibility that my transfer could happen on any other day so I might be getting worked up over nothing. Oh the irony!

My mom is coming to visit tomorrow...I haven't seen her since September and it really has been too long. Of course, knowing my mom this will not be all fun. That is just how it goes with us. But enough time has passed that it will likely be more good than not.

One day at a time...just trying to roll with it.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Whirlwind Mini-vaca...

Hubby and I just got back from a quick trip out to Las Vegas...and it was a wonderful break from the ever present "sad" that has been hanging around. Now, neither of us are huge gamblers, partyers or clubbers...we are actually early to bed/rise sort of folks so it is kind of unlikely vacation, but we had fun our way!

We arrived late Wednesday night and got settled in to our fantastic upgraded suite in Aria SkySuites and order room service. All I can say about our room! It was on the 52nd floor, had floor to ceiling windows in the living area and the bedroom (what a view), the bathroom was bigger than my bedroom at home and there is something magical about a heated toilet seat...just sayin.

Thursday we got up way early (still on East Coast time) and the best part is no one knows if you are up early or still up from the night before. We grabbed a very early breakfast and headed to the spa for a couples massage. We spent the rest of the day undoing the benefits of the spa by walking around the Vegas Strip. Seriously too much walking that left us hobbling the next day. We enjoyed a great dinner, walked (hobbled) around a bit more because we had to get up again early Friday for a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon. Another wow!

Getting up early was sooo worth it for that helicopter ride. I will admit I was very nervous about being in a helicopter at first, but it was amazing!!! On the way out I was stuck in the middle so hubby got a better view, but on the way back the woman who was squished in the center with me got front row in sitting in the front row next to the pilot). Jaw dropping views the whole doesn't begin to cover it...but if you ever get a chance to take a heli tour do won't regret it!

Friday after dinner we spent a little time at the have to gamble a little if you are Vegas. I am not great at table games so off to the slots we went. I picked out a machine and started playing...I even cashed out with ten times what I started with! That sounds impressive but really I sat down at a penny slot machine with $1 and walked away with $11...but hey, it's $10 more than I started with, right!?! We called it a night relatively early since we had to rise and shine again on Saturday to fly home on the first flight back to NJ.

It was a quick trip that gave me a vacation from my reality, the ever-present sad and let me pampered a bit for a few days. Now that we have been back a full 24 hours I can feel the sad creep back in (finalizing the grave marker details pulled me back in to my grief for a bit) but I can't help but smile at our fun little Vegas trip filled with lots of great food, a sweet suite upgrade, the beauty of the Grand Canyon, a quick peak at some art, lots of walking around seeing all of the new stuff that has popped up in the last 5 years and the thrill of a heated toilet seat (yes it was definitely a highlight and I may need to invest in one for home it was that good).

Now I am awaiting cycle day 1 (which is late due to traveling I am sure, but could happen any minute now) so we can get ready for another transfer around Thanksgiving. The delay pushes us closer to a transfer near my boys' 1st birth/death days but it is what it is and I have to roll with what ever happens.

Here's hoping we brought back some luck from our trip to Vegas!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I hate saying no...

This past Sunday I painted the faces of 20 wee princesses at a friend's daughters birthday party. It was a fun distraction and I was super busy!

During the lull of pizza time the woman who was giving the girls princess braids asked the question anyone that has dealt with infertility or lost their baby/babies dreads. "Do you have kids." Ugh!

Lately, if someone asks I say, " only the two I carry in my heart." which often leads to a quizzical look and the subject is changed. Rarely do I get asked what I mean. But this a little girl's birthday just didn't seem appropriate to set the stage for my sad explanation so I just said no.

I hate that saying no is the socially preferred response. I hate that no is far too simple an answer to a loaded question.

I hate even more that I can't say yes!

The honest truth that no one wants to hear is that yes, I do have two sons but sadly their life ended as fast as it began.

Their names are William and Ethan and they were beautiful. I miss them so much!

Friday, November 4, 2011

Can't Avoid the Should Be

I should be frantically planning a first birthday party that will take place one month from now.

Instead I approved the design for my sons' grave marker.

I should be chasing around two 11 month old boys baffled that the time has flown by so quickly.

Instead I spend my evening watching tv wondering how it is possible I have survived 11 months without them. I am baffled by how quickly time has passed.

I should be getting things together to take my boys to their cousin's birthday party tomorrow.

Instead I worry about how I am going to make it through the day without them.

I should be crying because I am exhausted trying getting two 11 month old boys to sleep through the night.

Instead I am crying tears of grief and loss.

Yes, I should be doing all of those things, but I am not.

I have missed you every second...every minute...every hour...every day...every week...every month...for the last eleven months.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Blogger Ate My Post...

Last night I had a great post written out about Day of the Dead, the random winter storm we were hit with and how my brain has too much time to think this week. I hit "post," received and error message and it was gone. It seems posting from my iphone is not a good idea. So now I am on my pc and fingers crossed this works!

In summary...This week has been bizarre!
  • Saturday we had a crazy storm that dumped 4" of snow on us and brought down lots of branches, limbs and trees, caused major power outages and made life miserable for lots of people. We were power lost, only damage was the power line to the garage causing our car to be trapped until we could get an electrician here. Oh...our trees took a beating too. We now have a 6ft high pile of branches across the front of our property. Yikes! It is a miracle nothing worse happened!!!
  • My school has been without power and heat so no school until today. No more available snow days from now on so if this winter is snowy I need to say so-long to my spring beak. Plus, way too much free time lets my brain dwell in the "should-be" far too much. Sooo glad to go back to school today!!!
  • I am cycling again so I started my shots on Tuesday. Here we go again! I am trying not to think about it too much...just going with the flow.
  • Yesterday the family friend that is pregnant with twins came out on FB (so did her mom and husband) complete with u/s pics...lots of jealousy and please don't let the same thing happen to her thoughts.
  • Placed an order (finally) for the grave marker...hoping they can get this installed before the one year mark. Least favorite project...but soooo necessary.
I was dreading this winter's first snow storm but I am glad it came crazy early this year. Last year's first snow was the weekend I lost my sweet peas. An out of season snow fall was good for me...the association of snow and my boys is not strong now.

My heart is still heavy but the tears are not as quick to come. One day at a time...even if those days are flying by faster than they should!