Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I hate saying no...

This past Sunday I painted the faces of 20 wee princesses at a friend's daughters birthday party. It was a fun distraction and I was super busy!

During the lull of pizza time the woman who was giving the girls princess braids asked the question anyone that has dealt with infertility or lost their baby/babies dreads. "Do you have kids." Ugh!

Lately, if someone asks I say, " only the two I carry in my heart." which often leads to a quizzical look and the subject is changed. Rarely do I get asked what I mean. But this time...at a little girl's birthday party...it just didn't seem appropriate to set the stage for my sad explanation so I just said no.

I hate that saying no is the socially preferred response. I hate that no is far too simple an answer to a loaded question.

I hate even more that I can't say yes!

The honest truth that no one wants to hear is that yes, I do have two sons but sadly their life ended as fast as it began.

Their names are William and Ethan and they were beautiful. I miss them so much!


  1. It's a complicated question. I ordered an Ikea catalog today and clicked "no" on the "Do you have kids" question. I mean, I don't have kids who are influencing my home decorating decisions. But I still want my daughter to count. Sigh. It sucks. I'm right there with you.

  2. I don't like that question either but I think you made the right choice at the princess party. It's a constant judgement call on what to say, if anything and how far to go into it. Sometimes I just say no because it hurts me to explain it.

  3. Oh honey. I want to send you strength to shout to the world that you are indeed a mother to two boys and to say fuck off to anyone who gives you 'the look'. But really I just want you to do whatever feels right for you (as you did) because it is different for each one of us.
    I decided long ago that I could never exclude Cullen from my head count. I get asked often how many I have and I can't answer without honesty. 4. If they press and get the details out of me (it happens- esp. if the three living c's are all present together) I simply state that we lost our 4th and leave it at that. I don't give a shit anymore if it makes people uncomfortable.. but that is me and my edgy attitude. Some may call it insensitive, but for me it's just reality. And I am all about what s real these days. Sending you a big hug... xo