Saturday, July 16, 2011

I Survived...

Today I survived two events that many baby loss mamas wasn't easy bit I did it without tears (although I ma cry later who knows).

First was the kid birthday party with quite a few little ones. A very close friend's son turned 1. Most of the kids were around age 4 and gave younger siblings. There was baby Emma, 9 months old (I met her 2 weeks ago) and she was a little easier to be around and baby Seth who is 7 1/2 months old. He was born maybe a week or two before my William and Ethan. I have been dreading meeting him...but it was actually ok. Being around so many little kids and a few babies wasn't as bad as I expected but still a reminder of what I have been waiting so ling for and all that I am missing.

The second big thing was holding a baby close in age to what my boys should be. It kind of happened suddenly. Little Seth is a brave little one that reached for me and with out hesitating his Dad handed him to me. He is at a point where he is a little squirmy even if he wants you to hold him and before long he wiggled his way back to his Dad. it happened in a flash and I was sad, but again ok. Seth was long and lanky and very different from what I believe my boys would be like physically. I also use the baby boy who wad born near my due date as a comparison so maybe that is why it was ok. Maybe it is just an ok thing now...who knows!

All I know is that this feels like some sort of step forward...these are things that once scared the crap out of me, but it wasn't so bad.

I still miss my boys though...and wish every minute that I could hold them in my arms. I love you William and Ethan!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

I Should Know Better...

I should know better than to start to hope...especially when it comes to creating my family.

The crappy part is that I haven't even started my FET cycle and already things are not going smoothly. I got a call from my RE yesterday and was told that the embryology lab closing (they do this every summer which I already knew) was delayed and therefore I can not have my transfer in August as planned. I was supposed to have my CD21 blood work this month, start Lupron and get ready for transfer sometime mid-August. All that has been pushed back because now the lab will be closed. The closing time is kind of flexible based on cycles in progress which is the reason for the change. Since my cycle hasn't started me, and whoever else was planning on a transfer in August get the short end of the stick. Every woman who is currently cycling had better have their dream come true and get to take home a healthy baby or I will be thoroughly disgusted with the universe. If I can't get what I want then they seems like a fair trade.

But who am I isn't fair and that is why I am so angry. If it was I would have my two sons and this would not even be on my radar. I am most angry that I allowed hope to gain so much foothold. I hoped that this cycle would happen as planned so it wouldn't interfere with school in September (actually I dared to hope that it would work and morning sickness would interfere). The only thing that still is a positive is that I have five embryos waiting...but even that can go wrong so I tempt fate yet again.

This just sucks.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

So this is what seven months out is like...

Seven months ago I never though I could make it this could I? My babies had just died. My heart was shattered to a million bits and two huge pieces were missing.

Somehow my heart managed to get put back together, probably not as it used to be, but it is bandaged and working. It still hurts from time to time, but it is more of a dull ache than a sharp, stabbing, throbbing fresh pain.

This past weekend hubby and I were supposed to go to my parents to celebrate the 4th, but in the end we decided to have a quiet weekend, just the two of us. Hubby had quite a rough end of his week and I really think he was dreading heading to my hometown...he hasn't been since we lost William and Ethan. He was in a terrible funk and the more I thought about going home to "celebrate" felt all wrong. I couldn't bear the thought of sympathetic looks and hugs or uncomfortable conversations that were completely void of what we went through 7 months ago. It was just too much for the both of us so we stayed home and just were big party, no parade, no fireworks (well, they were all around us and our neighbor's son accidentally hit our house with one he set off...but that is a whole other story)...just us and our memories. I cried once...the really hard, ugly kind of cry...but I felt relieved afterwards. Our moods improved as the weekend went on and we were content to be together.

We also played the game of "Life" on hubby's is very addicting. I even played a few times (ok 5) on my own and as if it was some cosmic message delivered through the game I could only end the game with twin boys or no kids at all. Yup...that's my life of dealing with infertility and loss in a nut shell. Only in the game there are no losses like mine. Although somehow you can miraculously have grandchildren without children...figure that one out!

I am still struggling with the what "should be" thoughts. I walked downtown to run some small errands and as I passed through the park I could literally see the stroller I was supposed to get with both boys snoozing wasn't a was just something I could visualize more realistically than I could ever imagine. I am not sure why, but I never think of myself with just Ethan. He lived one day and for that day only I reorganized my thoughts to what it would be like to take care of just him. When he died those thoughts went with him. All of the imaginings since then are of both boys and what I should have with both of them.

All in all, things are at an ok place...not great (they never will be)...but ok. I still need to put more effort in to looking forward, but I am getting there.

Friday, July 1, 2011

It's Summer Time...

And I guess the living is easy...ok not really.  But it could be can always be worse.

I have been out of school officially one week and my house is starting to get clean, house projects are underway (painting the wood trim outside, replacing gutters, termite abatement in the garage, mantle for the fireplace). Really what I am trying to say is I can not sit still for long periods of time. This is kind of challenging when I have lots of reading I need to do for an online course I start today. I think going from a crazy busy pace teaching during the day where I barely get to sit for 15 minutes to have lunch to very few obligations is making me stir crazy. Even the day I went to the beach I didn't sit for too long because I got to play with my friend's 4 year old daughter.

And let this be a lesson to all...if you use spray sunscreen, especially on a windy day at the beach, make sure you have a friend confirm you sprayed your entire back or have them do it for you. I have a crazy splotchy sunburn across my back and arms from where the sunscreen did not hit. The front of my arms, chest and face were adequately suncreened and I barely have a tan. Four hours with out sunscreen on a high UV index day is bad bad bad news. Thank goodness my swimsuit has a high enough back and wide enough straps that wearing a bra is not problematic. I am usually so careful!

I am still trying to stay away from the "what should be" thoughts and thinking more about trying again in August. It is hard. I can't stop thinking about what should be and have to really try to think about August. At my therapist's advice I am not trying to squash all "should be" thoughts, allowing myself to think them quickly and let them go by focusing on what is. I am also taking a moment or two each day to consciously think about our upcoming FET cycle. I have even set a reminder in my to-do list app on my i.pod that way at the end of the day when checking off my completed items I can make the time right then if I haven't. I am a nerd like that...I admit it! It is taking much more effort than I anticipated.

Today I was looking at my calendar and realized that a year ago I was prepping for my egg retrieval on the 3rd and had my transfer on the 8th. It honestly feels like so much longer than a year ago. It feels like someone else's story, not mine. Maybe that is because that all happened "before."

On a proud note...I received an email from the local March of Dimes chapter and their March for Babies award dinner is coming up on the 13th and our team has been invited. I am sure they invite everyone, but I got a second email asking us if we were going because they are giving us an award for being one of the top fundraising teams. Wow! I guess I kind of have to go now. I am so proud of my team and all that they were able to do to honor the memory of William and Ethan. I am so full of gratitude I could burst!