I should know better than to start to hope...especially when it comes to creating my family.
The crappy part is that I haven't even started my FET cycle and already things are not going smoothly. I got a call from my RE yesterday and was told that the embryology lab closing (they do this every summer which I already knew) was delayed and therefore I can not have my transfer in August as planned. I was supposed to have my CD21 blood work this month, start Lupron and get ready for transfer sometime mid-August. All that has been pushed back because now the lab will be closed. The closing time is kind of flexible based on cycles in progress which is the reason for the change. Since my cycle hasn't started me, and whoever else was planning on a transfer in August get the short end of the stick. Every woman who is currently cycling had better have their dream come true and get to take home a healthy baby or I will be thoroughly disgusted with the universe. If I can't get what I want then they better...it seems like a fair trade.
But who am I kidding...life isn't fair and that is why I am so angry. If it was I would have my two sons and this would not even be on my radar. I am most angry that I allowed hope to gain so much foothold. I hoped that this cycle would happen as planned so it wouldn't interfere with school in September (actually I dared to hope that it would work and morning sickness would interfere). The only thing that still is a positive is that I have five embryos waiting...but even that can go wrong so I tempt fate yet again.
This just sucks.
Two pieces of my heart that are gone forever and a new piece that brought back joy.
Who knew hope could be such an anger producer. I'm feeling a lot of anger for feeling hope that my recent FET would work. I sometimes can't stand the human brain or rather the thoughts that come from it. Try to be easy on yourself. I know from experience that it is tough.
ReplyDeleteI feel like this all the time. Like hoping makes me a total freaking idiot and not only do I get to be disappointed, I get to feel stupid as well. My therapist tells me that's crazy (well, she doesn't use those words, she uses nice, non-judgmental, therapist words) and she says that hoping or not hoping won't change the outcome, so it's ok to embrace the positive and believe that my future holds good things.
ReplyDeleteI find that hard to do for myself, but easy to do for others. So I'll believe it for you, and maybe you can do the same for me?
Oh, no. That sucks, yo. I'm so sorry. I, too, feel like hope is an invitation to be let down. I hope this times goes by quickly for you so you can be on your way to a new, positive cycle.
ReplyDeletexoxo