Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Heavy Heart...

My friend's baby girls were born heart is breaking for her.

It absolutely sucks that in two weeks time two more mommas have had to say goodbye to their babies far too soon. Four little girls who were loved and wanted...gone.

I am angry. I am sad. I just wish it wasn't true.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Thoughts and Prayers Needed...

A dear family friend who is pregnant with twin girls (mentioned in this post) is just past 20 weeks and was admitted to the hospital because her cervix is dilating. All I know at this point is her contractions have stopped but her membranes were bulging but had not yet broken. Since my pre-term labor was such a surprise and unexplained something went awry between 20 and 24 weeks all I want is for her to have the chance I didn't. Let those babies be as safe and sound as long as possible.



One positive thing I have learned from the depths of despair in my grief is gratitude. Along with it is my need to express it as often as I can to those who have shown me love and support.

Right now I want to thank you for all of the wonderful comments...they have kept me focused on the positive thoughts and (mostly) away from the scary fearful thoughts.

I am thrilled to be still pregnant (yay for a beta that doubled) and will cherish however long this lasts. I go back next Monday for follow up blood work and u/s to make sure we have a good start. That is a week of waiting and worrying, but I am doing my best to appreciate each day and try not to focus on what could go wrong.

This morning I woke up a bit sad ...but my thoughts are on my boys. I am missing them like crazy. They are never really far from my thoughts but since passing their first birthday their has been a bit more peace in my thoughts. The "should-be" thoughts have given me a reprieve for now. It is a bit of a surprise, but I am grateful for that too.

One of my fears of getting pregnant again was that I might feel like this is a replacement pregnancy, a do-over. Nothing could ever replace my first born sons...and this feels like a second chance, but in no way does it feel like a replacement. Even in the should-be reality we might have tried again to give our sons another sibling. It has been a full year since they were born and nine months since their due date...this pregnancy stands on its own.

I am grateful that a sense of hope (no matter how guarded) has returned. I am grateful for all the love, joy and excitement it has brought to those "in the know." While we all know how fast things can change, my fears are tempered (certainly not gone) by all of the positive thoughts and prayers that have been put out into the universe on our behalf.

In this holiday season what better gift! For this I am grateful!

Saturday, December 17, 2011


That is precisely what I said to the nurse today when she called to give me the results of my blood work today.

At this moment I am pregnant. I have to keep saying it to believe it. I was sure I wasn't when I woke up this morning and I was a doubter as they did the blood draw and I certainly was not convinced when I heard the nurse say that I have to go back in on Monday to see if my beta doubles.

Of course, true to form, there was a slight hitch in the prog.esterone levels are on the low side of ok so I have to increase that and see how it goes.

I know all to well that this is just the first step towards a real, live, take home baby. There are so many things that have to happen in the first month alone (2nd beta with doubling, u/s to see fetal pole, u/s to see a heartbeat , etc). I am trying so hard to focus on the next step and not let myself get to far down the line of worry.

I know that my fear and worries will have to be addressed as they pop up. That is inevitable...but I don't want that to cloud this pregnancy. I want to celebrate each second because I have no idea how long it will last or what the result will be.

For right now, in this moment I am pregnant. Wow. I am happy, scared, shocked, nervous and just trying to take it all in.

Thursday, December 15, 2011


I'm scared this cycle won't work...

I'm scared it will...

I'm scared that if it does it will be twins again...

I'm scared that if it works it won't be twins...

I'm scared that I'll never parent living children...

I'm scared of the hope I feel...

I'm scared of loosing hope again if this cycle fails...

I hate feeling do scared and nervous. Two more days and we will know what fears are reality.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Trying to get in the holiday state of mind...

The tree is up, stockings are on the mantle (I actually have a mantle this year!) and other decorations are up around the house...and yet there is a very conspicuous hole. The children who are supposed to be center of our Christmas are not here. This makes the holiday a whole lot less merry. Last year I was numb and in a haze of grief and pain. This year I am in a much better place emotionally...but there is (and will always be) missing.

I am trying to not focus on how I am feeling post-transfer...tired, crampy...mostly because I know these can be caused by all of the hormones I am taking as much as any potential pregnancy. Some how hope is still strong and I am doing my best to get reacquainted with this stranger.

(the ornament is one I received at my baby shower just a few hours before my sweet peas were born...I hung it on our tree last year and will every year.)

Friday, December 9, 2011

Another Momma has joined our ranks...

Through a friend I learned of another broken hearted momma who had to say good bye to her twin baby girls earlier this week. Since I have only just "met" her online through our mutual friend I want to respect her privacy and will not share the little I know. I will only ask you to keep her in your heart while she makes her way down this terrible, heart-breaking path.

I reached out to her as I wish someone could have when I lost William & Ethan. No one in my circles of friends had experienced infant loss and really had no idea what to do for me...but they did the best they could. It is my hope that maybe I can offer her a little bit of comfort.

I shared with her a link to this blog post that I have saved on my phone so I can read it often...
"For me on May 14th & for everyone who has lost a baby"

Thursday, December 8, 2011

This is what hope looks like...

Today is transfer day...and it surprises me how much hope I feel. We had two sweet specks of hope transferred back this afternoon. We even have our remaining two frozen in reserve.

It scares the crap out of me to feel hope again, but it is time to let that feeling back in to my heart. Living without it hurt like hell, but letting myself feel it knowing there are so many odds against us is what I need to do...after all this might just work (heavy emphasis on might).

For now, this is what hope looks like...

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Missing you...

Tonight I am lighting candles for my William and two amazing boys born one year ago tonight. While they were only mine for so short a time, they are a forever part of me...the two pieces of my heart forever gone.

I also lit candles for the little ones I have come to know this past year, as well as their parents. They, too, left this world on this sorrow-filled weekend last year.

Along with my William and Ethan, they are loved and missed beyond measure.

Addison, daughter of Keleen
Andrew, son of Brandy
Eliza, daughter of Brooke
Greyson, son of Paige

Saturday, December 3, 2011

It is in...

When we arrived at my parent's house this morning the grave marker for William & Ethan and the likelihood of it getting done was slim. My mom made a few phone calls to people with some pull and it worked!

My Mom, she's pretty amazing sometimes.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Going home...

Tomorrow we leave for my home town...we are going to them. We are going to be with family.

This week has been harder than I ever imagined. Just knowing that the one year mark loomed was so much to carry every day. Every day has brought more tears and more memories I haven't dared look back upon.

I still can not believe a year has passed so quickly. A year with out my William and Ethan.

Tomorrow will be the anniversary of the last full day I carried them. Sunday is their birthday, their first birthday. A year prior we made a similar journey for my baby shower. I was surrounded by friends and loved ones during the day and that night my water broke at 23 weeks 6 days. My sons were born a few hours later.

Tomorrow we go back with hopes that their grave marker will be in place. (Supposedly it will be installed no later than tomorrow...but I have learned that nothing ever goes as planned)