Sunday, September 11, 2011

Still Reeling...

The week leading up to today has been emotional for a whole bunch of reasons...PMS and L.upron induced moodiness, watching the 4th and 5th pass by and knowing those days mark the 9 month since I lost my boys, back to school stress, watching helplessly from afar as my home town and surrounding area experienced flash flooding that left the area devastated, all the while knowing that the 10th anniversary of 9/11 was coming.

Ten years later, I still have not fully processed the pain of 9/11. I was living in NYC at that time with D (we had been engaged for 5 months). We were fortunate not to loose anyone close to us in the attacks on the Twin Towers, but it was impossible not to feel the hurt of so much loss on that day. It was an impossibly beautiful day, I was taking a month off between jobs, I had been sitting in jury duty limbo the day before but had fortunately been released due to a lack of cases and new potential jurors streaming in (the court house is just a few blocks away from Ground Zero) and it was supposed to be a fun day. I woke up minutes after the first plane hit, and couldn't process what I was hearing and could see from my bedroom. I was glued to the tv when the second plane struck and again later as both towers collapsed. There were lots of tears, phone calls tracking down friends and loved ones and shock. I can still see everything clearly in my mind and smell the stinging, acrid, burning smell that lingered over the whole city for a month as what once was the World Trade Center smoldered. I am forever grateful my best friend decided to go to law school in Pennsylvania, because if she hadn't she would have been in her office in the Twin Towers and I could have lost her forever.

One thing that I looked forward to was a family friend's wedding on Saturday. It was amazing! A beautiful day in the Adirondack Mountains, an unforgettable wedding (missing vows, finally found) and a reception that was so unique and fun (a bridal party introduction complete with superhero/princess alter egos)...just like the happy couple! But the end of the night left me reeling.

The reception was winding down and a bombshell was revealed with a complete lack of sensitivity. It turns out the lovely bride recently found out she is pregnant, (insert drumroll) with twins. I received the hush hush news at first with excitement, then shock as the twin part was revealed and then despair as the nity-grity details of how it was discovered twins are expected. From strangers, I am not stunned by the lack of care in delivering pregnancy announcements. I know not everyone is completely aware of my loss and I know the world doesn't revolve around my grief. What leaves me reeling is that this news was delivered, expanded upon and given in great detail by none other than my own mother. Yes... the grandmother who lost her TWIN grandsons a mere nine months ago thought I would want to hear all about the spotting and ultrasound that revealed the twins who are due sometime around the date mine were supposed to be born. Ummm...yeah....thanks Mom. She only realized her mistake as my face fell from a smile to whatever it is I look like when I am trying to hold my shit together.

So you can probably guess that my fun evening came to a crashing halt and I ended up back in my room sobbing. I am trying not to hold this against her, she isn't always very conscientious and she had been drinking but that is just making excuses. If she has just left it at pregnant and twins I might have been ok, but she didn't. From here on out, I told her, I don't want to know the details just let me know when (if) they arrive safely.

I really hate reality sometimes, especially when it crashes the first party you actually are able to enjoy in the last nine months or so.


  1. That just plain sucks.

    I don't really have words, but understand the burden and hurt you feel from those words being spoken by your own mother. I've been dealt the same blow at times and I resent that.

  2. Why is it that it is so much more painful when it is our mothers are the ones that show us insensitivity? When anyone else does it, we can write it off or get over it or make excuses for it. But when it is OUR OWN MOTHER, it is like a slap in the face and a kick in the crotch at the same time. Mine has shown similar insensitivities in the past as well and I just find myself going "What just happened? Did my MOTHER just say that to me??". But, I guess they are human just like everyone else....
    I am sorry that your party was ruined.
    I am also sorry to hear that you lived in NYC at the time of 9/11 but so thankful that you were safe, as were all of your loved ones. Can you even believe that was 10 years ago?? It seems like just yesterday.
    Thinking of you and your boys with love.


  3. So sorry. Marking nine months of love and loss right along with you.