I won't lie, the last few days have been exceptionally hard. Like, back in the early days of my grief hard. All I keep saying to myself is that it has to be the hormones I am taking. Seriously emotional and lots of tears.
My monitoring over the weekend was ok, but they doubled my estrogen patches. I also over heard the doctor tell the tech he saw a fibroid (only he used the technical term but I knew what he meant) but didn't seem concerned. I have had fibroids come and go. I also know from conversations with my OB that fibroids might contribute to things like miscarriage and pre-term labor. How I forgot a detail like that when I lost my boys is beyond me, but it brought all of the over-analyzing back to the front of my brain. Could that be what caused my pre-term labor? What does this fibroid mean for my FET cycle and potential pregnancy?
I have never really had extremely guilty feelings over my pre-term labor like I know can happen. Played out all the scenarios- yes, felt like I failed- yes, felt guilty or responsible- not so much. Just evaluating every possible option was more than enough. Unfortunately my thoughts over the weekend were filled with flash backs to my sons' birth and why, at 23w6d, my water broke suddenly.
I haven't cried this much in such a long time. It is exhausting to be on the edge of tears all day long.
Please let it be all of the hormones and please let it be worth the onslaught of emotions.