I am so glad the weekend is here. This has been an exhausting week physically, emotionally, and mentally.
The first full week of school is always a grab bag of meetings, getting to see what the students are really like (not the 1st week of school jittery/scared straight behavior), still preparing for the new school year and it all did a number on me. Yesterday it all came to a head...figuratively and literally.
Thursday morning I woke up with one of my rare, but vicious, migraines. They are evil and this one is surely induced by the wacky hormones I am subjecting myself to for our FET cycle. This migraine came complete with vertigo, nausea, light sensitivity and general yuckiness. Fortunately the pain was dulled by your average over the counter pain killer, but all the fun side affects stuck with me most of the day. It made for an interesting teaching process.
And did I mention that was the day of "Back to School Night" where I have to speak to several hundred parents intelligently about my art program...ha! Add nervousness to the mix of feeling unwell, exhaustion and stress and I was a mess. Thank goodness it was therapy day!!!
I told my wonderful therapist all about my Mom dropping the twin bomb on me at the wedding, not feeling well and I felt as though I was back in the desperate days of my early grief. I cried the ugly kind of cry while I was there and she let me...reminding me the whole time I still need to be gentle with myself and give myself the time to grieve even though we are trying again with the FET cycle.
Feeling unwell scared me...I could feasibly, if this works, have to deal with morning sickness while teaching and I am not sure I can keep my mental status in good shape if I feel so crappy. (When I got pregnant with the boys I had the feeling of perpetual car sickness, not vomiting, but it was all during summer break and eased at the same time I went back to school.) It is so much harder to keep it together mentally when you feel physically and I worry how I will handle it all.
I am really starting to think about the "what ifs" should this cycle work...it scares me in so many ways. Am I really ready to be pregnant again? Am I strong enough to deal with the worries that plague a normal pregnancy that will be amplified after having experiencing a devastating loss? The answer is, and has to be...I am ready as I will ever be. The strength to deal with ever comes my way lies in my family and friends and I will tap into that strength as the need arises.
I ready for a nap...