Wednesday, September 28, 2011

A nervous wreck...

This morning was the last check for blood work and an ultrasound before tomorrow's transfer. On top of being crazy nervous the ultrasound was slightly less than perfect. I should expect things to not go smoothly...that's how my life rolls.

Basically the doctor found a wee bit of fluid in the endometrial cavity and she basically told me that it may or may not result in cancellation of this cycle. I appreciated her telling me why she stared at the screen with a very concentrated look but having to wait ALL DAY for the phone call to find out if my cycle was cancelled or not was torture. I lost my shit after leaving the office, could barely hold it together to make it through my day. Finally at 3:00 I saw I had a voice mail (couldn't check my phone between 1:25 and 3:00 because I was teaching) and we are still good to go.

I had given up all hope that we would even get to tomorrow, but we are so I should be feeling better. Except I don't.

That is not 100% accurate...after a long chat with my mom and another chat with my therapist (thank goodness I scheduled an appointment for today!) I do feel a bit lighter...not better but a good chunk of the heaviness I felt all day has lifted. Truth be told I am no longer optimistic about this cycle working. I want to be...I want that hope...but with so many hurdles I just can't hold on to it.

There is still the wait for the thawing and embryology report tomorrow morning. One last hurdle before transfer time. Thankfully this requires nothing from me other than waiting because there is not one shred of strength left.

I am grateful to have a break from school for a long weekend. Thursday and Friday the district is closed for Rosh Hoshana and then I have an art educators conference Monday and Tuesday. I figure at least these are working in my favor and I can rest for a few days post-transfer and not be on my feet for the beginning of next week in case this cycle might work.

Every little bit helps.

So if you see any luck out there floating around send it my way 'cause I could sure use it.


  1. Here's to hoping there's a slimmer of luck involved. There has to be a possibility. If not now, soon. It's nice to know you have some rest time at the very least. But I know that's just not enough.

    All great thoughts and hope coming your way!

  2. Oh girl.. while I don't tend to believe in luck anymore (long story) I am sending you a truckload (or as I like to say- a fuckton) of hope! Lots of it! Sending good thoughts, love and light your way.. and I'll be reading to see how the thawing goes!

  3. In a way, I think it's a relief to have lower expectations going in, maybe it's the ability to slightly detach from all the hope and fear. I figure somebody's got to get lucky this week--why not you? Wishing you the best of news this time around.