It is amazing how a few words of encouragement can pull you together for a day or so. I can't thank you enough for the comments filled with support and reassurance that my hormones are INSANE!
Today started off not so great (uncooperative veins for blood work, weather report postponing my outside project this morning but teasing with me with sun) but ended on a better note for sure. The tears continue to hover below the surface and occasionally leak out, but I am in a slightly better head space.
So I got the call...I am scheduled for my transfer....
Holy crap...this is really happening. As if the crazy hormone manipulation wasn't a clue! (I am currently covered in e.strogen patches which apparently come with sarcasm as a side affect...who knew?!?)
If all goes well between now and then, next Thursday (9/29) I will have one embryo transferred. One little speck of hope to take root and grow. I can't really wrap my brain around it...I am so focused on getting through each day that thinking that far ahead is completely surreal.
I have actually thought this past month about how I will be feeling about the potential outcome of this cycle. The actual transfer happening seems impossible. When I consider all of the outcomes I am more prepared for a negative result than a positive. Of course I am hoping to get pregnant more than I can express...but I am pretty sure I know how to deal with getting a negative beta. I will grieve the loss of another opportunity to build my family and I am experienced in that department. On the flip side, I have no idea how I will react to finding out I am pregnant. Last time I was in shock (I had lots of spotting and was convinced that I wasn't pregnant) but this time I know the pain of loss. I can't even begin to imagine the worries that will come up.
I have to keep focused on the here and now...one step at a time even if the path leads to places unseen.