One positive thing I have learned from the depths of despair in my grief is gratitude. Along with it is my need to express it as often as I can to those who have shown me love and support.
Right now I want to thank you for all of the wonderful comments...they have kept me focused on the positive thoughts and (mostly) away from the scary fearful thoughts.
I am thrilled to be still pregnant (yay for a beta that doubled) and will cherish however long this lasts. I go back next Monday for follow up blood work and u/s to make sure we have a good start. That is a week of waiting and worrying, but I am doing my best to appreciate each day and try not to focus on what could go wrong.
This morning I woke up a bit sad ...but my thoughts are on my boys. I am missing them like crazy. They are never really far from my thoughts but since passing their first birthday their has been a bit more peace in my thoughts. The "should-be" thoughts have given me a reprieve for now. It is a bit of a surprise, but I am grateful for that too.
One of my fears of getting pregnant again was that I might feel like this is a replacement pregnancy, a do-over. Nothing could ever replace my first born sons...and this feels like a second chance, but in no way does it feel like a replacement. Even in the should-be reality we might have tried again to give our sons another sibling. It has been a full year since they were born and nine months since their due date...this pregnancy stands on its own.
I am grateful that a sense of hope (no matter how guarded) has returned. I am grateful for all the love, joy and excitement it has brought to those "in the know." While we all know how fast things can change, my fears are tempered (certainly not gone) by all of the positive thoughts and prayers that have been put out into the universe on our behalf.
In this holiday season what better gift! For this I am grateful!