Today I survived two events that many baby loss mamas dread...it wasn't easy bit I did it without tears (although I ma cry later who knows).
First was the kid birthday party with quite a few little ones. A very close friend's son turned 1. Most of the kids were around age 4 and gave younger siblings. There was baby Emma, 9 months old (I met her 2 weeks ago) and she was a little easier to be around and baby Seth who is 7 1/2 months old. He was born maybe a week or two before my William and Ethan. I have been dreading meeting him...but it was actually ok. Being around so many little kids and a few babies wasn't as bad as I expected but still a reminder of what I have been waiting so ling for and all that I am missing.
The second big thing was holding a baby close in age to what my boys should be. It kind of happened suddenly. Little Seth is a brave little one that reached for me and with out hesitating his Dad handed him to me. He is at a point where he is a little squirmy even if he wants you to hold him and before long he wiggled his way back to his Dad. it happened in a flash and I was sad, but again ok. Seth was long and lanky and very different from what I believe my boys would be like physically. I also use the baby boy who wad born near my due date as a comparison so maybe that is why it was ok. Maybe it is just an ok thing now...who knows!
All I know is that this feels like some sort of step forward...these are things that once scared the crap out of me, but it wasn't so bad.
I still miss my boys though...and wish every minute that I could hold them in my arms. I love you William and Ethan!