Today I survived two events that many baby loss mamas dread...it wasn't easy bit I did it without tears (although I ma cry later who knows).
First was the kid birthday party with quite a few little ones. A very close friend's son turned 1. Most of the kids were around age 4 and gave younger siblings. There was baby Emma, 9 months old (I met her 2 weeks ago) and she was a little easier to be around and baby Seth who is 7 1/2 months old. He was born maybe a week or two before my William and Ethan. I have been dreading meeting him...but it was actually ok. Being around so many little kids and a few babies wasn't as bad as I expected but still a reminder of what I have been waiting so ling for and all that I am missing.
The second big thing was holding a baby close in age to what my boys should be. It kind of happened suddenly. Little Seth is a brave little one that reached for me and with out hesitating his Dad handed him to me. He is at a point where he is a little squirmy even if he wants you to hold him and before long he wiggled his way back to his Dad. it happened in a flash and I was sad, but again ok. Seth was long and lanky and very different from what I believe my boys would be like physically. I also use the baby boy who wad born near my due date as a comparison so maybe that is why it was ok. Maybe it is just an ok thing now...who knows!
All I know is that this feels like some sort of step forward...these are things that once scared the crap out of me, but it wasn't so bad.
I still miss my boys though...and wish every minute that I could hold them in my arms. I love you William and Ethan!
Two pieces of my heart that are gone forever and a new piece that brought back joy.
Very brave of you.
ReplyDeleteMy first time holding a baby happened much the same way yours did. I was at my friends house and she was holding her daughter, and she had to go get something so she just handed her to me and went to get whatever it was. I was too shocked to do anything! But, it was funny: I am usually all cuddly with babies and kiss and snuggle them, but this time I just held her under her armpits away from me and I just looked at her. It was like she was electrified or something. I didn't want her "too close" to me. But, like you, before I knew it, it was over. It wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be, but it definitely wasn't like it used to be. I still have a hard time with it. I just have NO INTEREST in holding my friends babies. And I see these babies almost every day. Maybe one day that will change. I feel better and stronger, physically and emotionally, but it's like those feelings are GONE for other peoples babies. Hopefully it is different if I am blessed with another baby of my own. I guess we will see.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you made it through these events! It seems we do get stronger every day, even if we still hurt.
Thinking of you and your boys.
Brooke