Monday, August 1, 2011

Back from the Beach!

I just spent a wonderful week at the beach with two of my best friends and our families. This is our third year and it is a much needed break from everything...well almost everything. My hubby had to come home for two days to deal with a work crisis and then there is my grief. I didn't take as many pictures as I usually do and feeling not so thrilled with my figure these days I avoided being photographed as well. The memories will stay in my head I guess.

Grief was still with me, it always is, and followed me around like a little grey cloud during my sunny days at the shore. What was missing (my sons) couldn't be shaken from my head or heart. Spending time with my friends and their adorable kids has never been a huge challenge. They range in age, right now, from 2 1/2 through 7. They are adorable and fun and I love them with all of my heart. It was painful to know that my boys should be there too. I think back to our first year and the youngest was about the same age my boys should be. I kept it together for the most part.

I cried early in the week while I was in my room and again at the end of the week. This time it was at the beach on our last full day. I was helping take family pics of my friends and their kids, watching them get in their last pics of  kids and it was more than I could take. The tears started flowing and while they clicked away I went back and started packing up our base camp at the beach. Thankfully big sunglasses could hide my tears from the hundreds of people around me, but my besties knew better. On the way back I lost it completely...freaking out the little ones and worrying my friends. All I could think of was that if my boys had lived I wouldn't have been able to jump waves for nearly an hour or that I should be taking pictures of my boys too. And darn it...I wanted my family portrait at the beach!

One of the mornings hubby was stuck at home I got up really early and took a walk on the beach hoping to see the sun rise. It was cloudy so not much luck there but I did get a few photos of the boys name written in the sand and my heart symbol. I guess that is as close to a family portrait as I'll get this year. It was so peaceful walking along the shore and feeling the waves lap at my feet. Small moments to cherish.

Pregnancy seems strongly linked to our beach vacation...last year my William and Ethan were snuggling in to my womb and I was sure I wasn't pregnant after our first IVF (the transfer was the weekend prior to leaving for the beach so I hadn't tested yet). The year before I had no idea about our fertility issues and had just started trying to conceive and was so hopeful. This year was so trying or hoping I am pregnant; only looking towards my next IVF cycle and hoping that my friend stays pregnant. Oh right...I found out two days before we left that one of the friends we were vacationing with is pregnant. She is the same friend that I found out in April had a second missed miscarriage.  Initially I was struggling with being the last to know...again...but I worry for her too much to be upset. Mostly I hate that my situation is such that it is that she needs to stress about telling me. So far so good...she is nearing the end of her first trimester but not passed her danger zone since her other miscarriages were discovered at 10 & 12 weeks. All I want is for her to get her take home baby...after two devastating miscarriages she may not be able to handle it again. No, that is not true, she will get through it...but I know the pain will break her heart again and I worry about what that will do to her.

All in all it was a great week and in spite of the rough patches I absolutely can not wait until next year. I really need to start playing the lottery so I can afford a beach house to go to whenever I want....dare to dream!


  1. I'm glad you got to have your private moment on the beach. <3

    I'm not a baby-loss mama...but your description of your grief as a little grey cloud following you around perfectly matches my feelings of depression and anxiety that I deal with.

    You'll be in my thoughts! (This is my first time visiting your blog...I'll be back!)

  2. All in all it sounds like a wonderful vacation. As for the grief, I know. It's with me always and never leaves me even for a breath. I was concerned about crying around my nieces but my counselor says it is good for children to see grief as it is part of life. Hugs to you.

  3. They say the ocean has healing properties, whatever ails you. I know it helped me take a few deep breaths at a time when all I could do was cry. I understand all too well how hard it is have "fun" with friends and family, even when it really is fun. Sending you hugs.