Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Rambling Thoughts...

I was going to head to the town pool today, but it started to rain and with the chance of thunderstorms I'm better off staying home. Instead I am going to empty out some of the thoughts rambling around my head.

First, I am so glad it is raining. My lawn needs it, my poor flowers are desperate for it and I kind of like the dusty smell right as it begins to rain on a hot summer day. If I could, I would wish this rain westward to give some relief to those who are boiling in the summer heat.

Yesterday I was at the pool, and was stalked by one of my cutie soon-to-be second graders. I would be lounging away, reading something on my iphone, look up and there would be this little girl peaking at me with her eyes barely showing above the pool edge. It cracked me up so I would wave, she'd stand up and say "HI!" We did this five or six times while I was there. Some teachers I know hate bumping into students outside of school...but I get a kick out of it. Maybe because I am not a classroom teacher so I am not over-exposed to any students. Perhaps it is because they make me feel like a celebrity.

Today my mailman asked me the question that BLMs and IFers tend to dread. "So any luck getting pregnant again?" Um...huh? First, it is a private thing and that really isn't anyone's business unless I offer it up. He does not know about our IF issues, but does know about our loss. I kept it to a minimum with a "Not yet." What happened next was a bit of a surprise...but not really since our mail guy is a bit of an over-sharer. He shared that he and his now ex-wife dealt with secondary infertility and ended up adopting a son from Korea, now 23. It was a tough time and may have led to their divorce. Wow...sometimes you get more than you bargained for when you ask about your mailman's vacation!!!

Several BLM bloggers have mentioned they feel like they receive messages or signs from their babies. I never really gave it much thought, or rather never noticed anything like the flickering lights or repeated numbers they describe. Recently that has changed...I see heart shaped things everywhere and it is happening with greater frequency. I know that is nothing new or necessarily extraordinary, but it feels special somehow. Everyday I see at least one new heart somewhere whether it is a leaf on the side walk broken into a heart shape, clouds in the sky, paint splotches on the road, burls on the sides of trees, seashells, sea stones, and even the strawberries from my bag of Trader Joes Freeze Dried Strawberries. Out of the 5 or 6 bags I have had since discovering them I have never had a whole strawberry slice...mostly broken bits. The last week at the beach I grabbed a few for a snack and the last two I had to eat were heart shaped. I also had fun playing with my new Hipstamatic app and took this pic...

 Also last week at the beach my friend and her daughter found heart shaped stones almost at the same time and stopped to show me, not knowing that I see hearts constantly now. Are they a sign from my boys? No idea. I like to think maybe...

With the help of one of my friends I think we have a place to get the boys' grave marker made. It has been a hard thing to work on because it is so heart breaking. As much as I want the marker form them, I hate that I have to make these decisions at all. To make it harder I have a very specific way I want it to look. Most places will work from a sketch but I wanted it just right so I have been working in Adobe Illustrator to get the layout to a place that will work for us. Hopefully in a few weeks it will be ordered and installed. Here is my mock-up with my heart symbol ...

I miss them so much...tomorrow they would have been 8 months old and I have no idea how I have made it this far. I love you William & Ethan with all of the heart I have left, since each of you carries a piece.


  1. The students peeking at you are very cute. I think things will be better when school starts, well, at least we will be distracted more. Oh Jessica, we really are baby loss mom sisters. I know the pain I really do. I do believe the boys are sending you hearts, what else would they send to let you know they're ok where they are. The grave marker is a big step. Although I really like the way you've designed it, it makes me cry to see the date of our boys shared death written there. I'll never understand why they were taken from us. Never.

  2. My husband used to be a PE teacher at the elementary in a small town and every trip to Wal-Mart was like going out in public with a celebrity. He would get mobbed by kids who wanted to say hi, and some who were too shy and would just gawk from afar. Too funny.

    I love your heart shaped signs. I'm a little appalled by your mailman, but at least his intentions were kind.

  3. I love the heart symbol for your boys gravestone. I am in the process of finishing up the look of Liam's right now also. Not fair that we have to be doing this for our babes.

    I say the hearts are definitely a sign from them:)

    And weird about your mailman, I've never even spoke to mine.