Friday, November 4, 2011

Can't Avoid the Should Be

I should be frantically planning a first birthday party that will take place one month from now.

Instead I approved the design for my sons' grave marker.

I should be chasing around two 11 month old boys baffled that the time has flown by so quickly.

Instead I spend my evening watching tv wondering how it is possible I have survived 11 months without them. I am baffled by how quickly time has passed.

I should be getting things together to take my boys to their cousin's birthday party tomorrow.

Instead I worry about how I am going to make it through the day without them.

I should be crying because I am exhausted trying getting two 11 month old boys to sleep through the night.

Instead I am crying tears of grief and loss.

Yes, I should be doing all of those things, but I am not.

I have missed you every second...every minute...every hour...every day...every week...every month...for the last eleven months.


  1. Sometimes I live in the land of should be's... so sorry it has gotten in deep tonight. Sending you my thoughts..

  2. I can't either....eleven months...the possibility of walking and talking...I miss it all. Another 4th and 5th another month without them and how things should be. I hope the party isn't as hard as you are anticipating although I know it won't be easy.

  3. Remembering your boys. I wish all your should-bes were reallys.

  4. I know. I kept thinking how cute he would have been in his Halloween costume. Strange how moment to moment can grind by slowly and cruelly with grief and tears but the year seems to have gone by fast. I miss him with every breath and it never leaves me, not even for a second.

    I'm here missing your boys with you.

  5. I'm struggling with this right now, too, although my "shoulds" are still rooted in where I should be in my pregnancy (28 weeks today, instead of 3 months and 4 days in mourning). I lost my twins in August at 14w2d, also after my water broke (Baby A, my daughter, Aliya). This journey really sucks.

  6. Not sure if I ever shared my new blog with you. I'm sorry if I didn't: