Or at least trying to focus on the things I am thankful for...an amazing husband, loving family and friends, a job that I love, I am alive and relatively healthy. If I try the list could be quite long. The truth is that each thought ends with "...but I don't have my sons."
It is very hard to focus on all that is good in my life when such a huge part is missing. That gaping hole where my sons should be has been hard to ignore as the holiday season is in full swing. From their absence at the family Thanksgiving gathering to the generic holiday cards I am preparing in an attempt to fill my minutes in the week before their first birthday I can't celebrate with joy.
In the alternate universe where they lived we would have packed them up to take to my sister-in-laws (or everyone would have come to our house) where they would be fawned over while making a complete mess eating their first big turkey dinner. I also would have created some cute holiday card with their recent photo...or maybe we would have our hands so full we wouldn't even send out cards. The final birthday party plans would need to be confirmed.
But that is not the universe where I live.
In my reality I had a nice turkey day with my in-laws, tried not to think too hard about how much my nephews look like my boys and repeatedly made mental notes of all the things I have to be thankful for in my life as it is. Today the sun is shining and I am getting ready to stuff the holiday cards I bought last year (but didn't send because I was too mired in grief) that are photo-free and signed only with my hubby's name and mine.
Today I am focusing on what I am most grateful for...
...another chance to try again to build my family.
...my sons, even if they can not be here with me.
...the wonderful people in my life.
I am especially thankful for my fellow baby loss mammas...the kinship and support I have found among you has helped me survive this year.