Sunday, November 24, 2013

I am not sure how to do this...

I am trying very hard to get through not let everything around me magnify my grief... and it's not going so well overall. Luckily work keeps me busy (and out of my head) and Maxwell keeps me focused on the now plus provides more smiles than I can count. There is just so much around me that make the quiet moments hard to bare.

The hardest thing to deal with is the very nearness of William & Ethan's 3rd birthday. November flew by in a flash and December is almost here. Trying to make it to the 4th is exhausting. I want to honor them in a happy way but I am not sure I have it in me this year. I miss them so very much. It feels just as hard as the first birthday without them. It is just the worst feeling. 

Yet another teacher at school announced she is pregnant (we are up to 6 for the year but 3 are now on maternity leave). I should be on that list too, but I'm not. I can't stay in the same room as the one teacher that was due a few weeks before me. She is showing now and of course is adorable prompting lots of comments and conversations. It makes me bitter so it is best if I avoid those situations.

I found out a former co-worker will be an aunt to twins around the time I was due. It also doesn't help that twins are every where...especially ones between the ages of 2-4. Thanks universe...I know what I am reminders necessary.

The thing I feel the most guilty about, and is sooo hard to deal with, is trying to be supportive/excited about my sister's pregnancy. She is due a month after I was supposed to be due so it is a constant reminder that I am not pregnant. She is also expecting twins so it is impossible not to be terrified for her because of what I went through. 

She is nervous and scared because she knows...she was my biggest support after I lost my twins. She has heard me talk about the gritty reality of loss. My sister is the one person in my real life that understands better that anyone. And I am not very good at supporting her through her fear. I wish I could.

I hope more than anything that her babies make it in to her arms safely. I can't help but be jealous if her though...for so many reasons. I find it hard to smile and get excited as she prepares and I hear about the plans they need to make. If all goes well (please, please, PLEASE), their family of four will grow to six which means new living arrangements, new car and a need for baby gear since their youngest daughter is 6. Hearing about any of it shreds my heart. I want to be a part of it all but I can't get excited.

 I worry about how will be with these babies. I know I will love them, but will I be able to be as close as I am with my nieces? Will I keep them at arms length because they at twins? Or because they are the same age as my youngest son should be?

I don't dare ask how much more or what else I can deal with because that is always an invitation from the universe to throw something else my way. I think I may be at my limit, so universe, can I have a break for a bit? That would be great, thanks.


  1. My heart aches reading this post. I can identify with so much, mostly the sensation of being at the very end of your rope and being worried about yet another thing going wrong and worring about coping. This time of year is unspeakably hard. Sending you love and support from afar.

  2. God, I know! I keep wondering how it can still hurt so badly after three years and if I will survive it this time. I know you cherish Maxwell every second. Please kiss him once in honor of my Greyson. xo

  3. That's so hard with your sister. It's sometimes harder with those we love who have loved us and our children in return becuase you feel guilty and torn as to how to best support them. But you'll figure it out in time, as you go, just as you've done with everything thus far. You shouldn't have to have figured out navigating life without your twins, life with IVF, life with this newest loss of you 4th precious boy, but yet. . .you have, and Maxwell still has this amazing and wonderful mama who loves him and that is just simply amazing.

    I wish I had better advice/encouragement for what to do and how to handle the twins' birthday. I suspect the days leading up to it will be harder - that always seems to be the case for me. Just know that your gals will be lifting them up in thought, holding them, and your whole family, close at heart that day and always. It's not enough. It's never enough. And oh, how I wish it were.


  4. Oh, Jess. My heart aches for you. I know it is hard to watch your sister go through a twin pregnancy, especially with the due date so close to what yours should have been. I do believe that the reality of the twins will be easier than the IDEA of your sister having twins, if that makes sense.

    I'm right with you on the sadness of this time of year. It's dark, it's cold, it's all about family and kids and togetherness and it's impossible not to take note of who's missing and whom we're missing. Thinking of you. xo

  5. Wow. Your grief is insanely compounded. While I live SOME of that grief everyday, I don't experience the same complexity of dealing with co-workers or siblings carrying children-- especially twins. And with those due dates... there's just almost too much to bear. Especially around the beginning of December.

    I hope this next month is swift and kind and that your heart will feel comforted somehow. I'm so thankful you have Maxwell, but man... it's never going to be enough to salve the heartbreak of a mama's love.

  6. Sending love to you. And to William and Ethan on the eve of their birthday. xoxo

  7. I know I'm new to your blog, but with so many losses in December in this community, I want to send my love to as many BLMs as possible.

    I'm closing in on 2 years, and this holiday season is a hard one I'm finding. I feel the extreme need to honor and include those who are missing - as this year I have lots of reasons to celebrate and be thankful for who is now here.

    Like Brooke said, this season is hard, and my heart goes out to those that have to go through anniversaries during this time.

    For what's its worth, I send my love. Remembering your boys, William and Ethan. <3