Catching my breath...

Another year. It takes my breath away to think that another year has passed with out my William & Ethan. Three years...it still feels as raw as if it were yesterday.

I think I was holding my breath in anticipation...I knew December was coming and the ache grew stronger. I also ache for the other babies taken from us this month. So many...too many.

Getting messages from friends and family on the boys' birthday was validating. They were real, they are loved and are remembered. Sometimes it feels like I am the only one thinking about them, but that is not true. I am sure no one thinks of them and misses them the same way I do...but that is ok. 

I have also decided to celebrate each birthday with acts of kindness. Each year means an additional good deed, but I can't think of a better way to honor them. This year I paid for the person's order behind me in the Dunkin drive through, donated two age appropriate truck sets to the toy drive at school and will buy size appropriate pjs for Carter's pajama program.  They are all types of things I might have done if they were here. 

Now that a week has passed I can think of them with more smiles. With Christmas coming up it is easy to miss what should have been. So many triggers...so much longing for what should be. It never gets easier. It is so unfair.

Oh, my sweet peas, my William and Ethan...not a day goes by that I don't think of you . If I can't hold you tight in my arms, I will hold your memory in my heart always. You are loved beyond measure!