I just couldn't and I feel like a horrible baby loss mama as a result. These are the things that make my therapist tell me not to be so hard on myself. I am anyway, but I am trying.
Going through another, very different loss, two weeks early made it even harder than I thought it would be to acknowledge all the precious lives gone before they really started. When I started to make a list of names I became paralyzed with grief and had to stop. I couldn't even light a candle for my own sons...and thus I feel like pond scum.
Every day since I have cried for my sons and for all the babies that are so dearly missed. So, so many...and it shatters my heart that every day there are more. It never gets easier and I'll never forget. Even if I can't always make the public acknowledgement...they are loved and missed.
I read another blogger saying almost this exact same thing.
ReplyDeleteDude, there's no failing when it comes to this. Your survived it. You marked the day by remembering your sons and thinking of all the babies loved and missed. Of course your list was incomplete. Of course it doesn't feel like enough--it never could feel like enough.
You're loving and missing them everyday. That matters much more than October 15th.
I feel inadequate in honoring Andrew all the time. I see people who have so much more energy devoted to their (dead) children and yet... I try to speed through because it makes me sad to have to do such things. But I want to, but it makes me sad, too.
ReplyDeleteBleh. We're never in a good position. Don't be hard on yourself for that. You're not alone in this.
One thing I have never ever doubted is that Bear, William and Ethan, little brother (and all the babies in our tribe) knew and still know how very much they are loved!
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