Here and Now

“Do not look back. And do not dream about the future, either. It will neither give you back the past, nor satisfy your other daydreams. Your duty, your reward—your destiny—are here and now.”
--Dag Hammarskjold, Markings

I follow a blog by the author of The Happiness Project and this was the quote at the beginning of a post I read today. It really struck me...so much that I had to share it. I've been having so many flashbacks to the days I gave birth to and lost my sons ever since I met with the high risk doctor. I need frequent reminders not to dwell on those days...the two most difficult days I have ever experienced. Those memories are vivid and strong as if it were yesterday. It is shocking, still, to feel their power. It takes all I have to pull my self out of them.

To be honest I find it nearly impossible to dream about the future, especially relating to this current pregnancy, because I know at any moment it could be over. I continue to try to enjoy each moment and let the fear be what it is and let it go (easier said than done most days, but I try). Of course, I do catch myself contemplating things like the nursery and the sex of the baby but it is usually tempered with a great big "IF we get that far..."

Remembering my boys and talking about them is emotional...sometimes sad and teary, other times all smiles. Even a year and nearly three months later I still waffle between heartbreak and joy. I imagine that will never change. I still struggle with "should be" thoughts and how they make me feel.

I know a million wishes will never bring them back to me, yet I still make those wishes.