Buying a new car is a dreaded and fun experience all rolled into one. Does anyone really enjoy the nitty gritty details, filling out that paperwork? But getting to test drive and take it home, that is fun.
When we found out we were expecting our sons we started researching a new vehicle. We had more or less settled on a CRV and planned on buying one a month or so before they were due (Jan or Feb 2011). That plan went out the window when our boys were born prematurely and died as a result.
So here we are a year later actually using the initial research which led us back to a new CRV purchase since being a 1 car family is not working anymore. It wasn't until I was driving the new car home that the realization that the plan had been a new CRV with two car seats in the back, not empty like it is now. And that was how my weekend came to a close...ugh!
The rest of the week was filled with increased anxiety leading up to my appointment with the high risk specialist. The dread of having to retell the story of my sons' birth/death weighed heavier and heavier. The only bright spot was knowing I would get a peak at Speck again.
I liked the doctor, she was kind, sensitive and straight forward. I couldn't control my tears, but she was understanding. Unfortunately, there are no specific reasons as to why I went into premature labor. This doctor says there is little to no chance that incompetent cervix is to blame (which is good news for my current pregnancy) and unless the pathology report from the placenta (which is missing from my copy of the hospital records) shows infection there really is no other explanation other than it was my body's inability to carry a twin pregnancy. Despite the "anticipated positive outcome" of a singleton pregnancy, I will have frequent (most likely every 2 weeks) cervical checks starting at 16 weeks.
The doctor also said that she is not too concerned about me being on my feet all day since studies have shown that preventative bed rest has little to no affect on pregnancy outcomes. I know I am nervous and over-cautious, but it is hard to turn off the instinct that doing what my job requires (on my feet and constantly moving) might be too much while I am pregnant.
All of this has been kind of hard to process...I have always felt that my body failed my boys. Not necessarily that I personally failed or could have changed what happened, but that something went wrong. However, not having any other reason other than my body failed does not make me feel better...in fact I think I feel worse. The "why" will always be a mystery (unless I can track down that pathology report and I am mistaken about the dr who delivered the boys saying no infection was present).
While I re-reconcile the loss of my boys there have been more tears than I've had in a long time. Revisiting those darkest of days has put me right back in that hard place. And as much as I love my new car, I can't help but long for those two car seats that should be there holding my sons.
Two pieces of my heart that are gone forever and a new piece that brought back joy.
Those first meetings are so hard. But I am glad you like your doctor and it sounds like they will keep a close eye on you. It is so hard not knowing why what happened, happened. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI wont contradict your doctor, since I dont know her or her reasons why. But I had no warning signs of IC either and had been told similarly that perhaps it was that I couldnt carry a twin pregnancy. Then I went into labor with my son, Alex, who was fine on u/s on a Monday, that Wednesday. Monday, my cervix was a long and closed 4cm. Wed, I was dilated to 2cm. We held onto him until Sun, when he was born and based. Due to IC. Like our twins.
ReplyDeleteWith my next pregnancy, a twin one, I had a TVC and 16w of bedrest that gave us enough time to get the kids here at 27w. At 17w, I was dilated to the stitch and at 20w went into the hospital, in inverted bedrest, to get those extra weeks. So, I do disagree with the idea that bedrest does nothing; it got my kids here safely. Without it and the stitch, I wouldnt have two 2 1/2 year olds.
Again, I dont want to throw stones at your doctor, but I find that, often times, parents I've worked with have had similar instances. I know other stories of women who do have positive outcomes as well. But the heartbreak of a situation is that we never know who is going to and who isnt until the situation happens.
I actually had a TAC placed because my TVC is considered a failure (since it was failing at 17w, 20w, and then did fail completely at 27w). But still, there's always that fear of not knowing what. Or why.
Sending hugs and, if you want to talk, feel free to email me.
Sorry, that should have read "born and died". not sure why it says "based"
DeleteI know the anxiety and fear of facing a pregnancy after a completely unexpected and unexplained loss. I'm glad your doctor was good about explaining everything to you. Although teaching obviously requires you to be on your feet a good amount, I think it definitely makes sense to make adjustments as you need to for your comfort level (both physical and mental). It's definitely hard to get past the idea that our bodies failed our babies, but the truth is we don't know WHAT went wrong. Our natural impulse (as mothers who want to protect our children) is to blame ourselves, but you know that if you could have saved your boys, you would have done whatever it took.
ReplyDeleteAs for car buying, I absolutely hate it. When my husband bought his Prius, I didn't even participate in any of the shopping because I can't stand the process. However, I drive a CRV and there's a good reason why they are all over the road--I love my little car. And yes, I would love it so much more if it had a carseat in the back.