Sleep deprivation is a strange thing. It makes me forgetful, giddy, tearful, hungry, not hungry, and just plain not myself. Thanks to a teething baby there is not a lot of sleep to be had the last two weeks. I wouldn't trade these moments for anything.
I am especially prone to random thoughts and here are some that are recurring...
- I've been having many PTSD like flashes from the day the twins were born particularly of William's birth and being asked if they should continue trying to resuscitate him and Daron saying keep going while I was having a contraction and unable to respond. I knew in my heart he was already gone.
- I found a necklace in the key bowl by the door that has been there for almost 2.5 years. I wore it to my baby shower and last took it off in the emergency room before the twins were born. When I cleaned out my purse when we came home I must have put it there. I haven't worn it (or any other necklace), except for my necklace with my sons' initials, since December 2010.
- Sometimes when Maxwell is sleeping he looks exactly like Ethan in the short time he was alive. I cry every single time.
- I think a lot about the way our IVF cycles have played out. How William and Ethan were paired, but we lost them and how it could have been Maxwell in that pairing instead. I also wonder who might be in the last two embryos in cryo storage. Will there be a sibling(s)...is there a girl(s)?
- how different would life be if Ethan had hung in there and lived? What would the relationship be like between my boys?
- I am simultaneously looking forward to and dreading Mother's Day. I've had such angst about it for 5 years thanks to infertility and grief that I'm not sure I can enjoy it.
I know there have been many more thoughts but the forgetfulness of sleep deprivation has locked many away. So much on my mind...
Two pieces of my heart that are gone forever and a new piece that brought back joy.
Ah, that necklace sitting in the bowl... I have things like that in my house. Sort of untouched.
ReplyDeleteI think it's beautiful that you only wear your babies' necklaces now. Me too. I have quite a few other necklaces, but they take the back seat and I almost never wear those... I feel like Andrew needs to always be with me.
Look forward to and dread Mother's Day. I still dread it. I told Elliot I always want that day to be low-key. No big production, please. That would make it all the harder. :/
We're not going to make a big deal of Mother's Day this year (or ever?). It's just too much for me.
ReplyDeleteThinking about IVF cycles is enough to make your head spin... One thing I love about it is the way your three boys are connected. Somehow it makes me feel like Maxwell knows William and Ethan.