It wasn't until I was an hour into the trip home that I realized the one thing I overlooked...I hadn't gone to the cemetery! I drove by after dark when it was closed and blew the twins kisses but I never made it back the next morning. I was talking to my sister when I realized what I had done. The guilt was so over whelming...how could I have done that!?! Did I really forget to go...forget to visit them on one of my not so frequent trips to the area?!?
Yes..yes I did.
I cried practically all of the remainder of the 3 hour drive. There just aren't words for how truly awful I feel about not visiting William and Ethan's grave. It's not like I can go any time.
My sister called me after she knew I was home and gave me the only reassurance possible. My dad had gone to the cemetery not too long after I had left and had a chat with the boys since he wasn't sure if I had gone or not. He explained how busy it was and that he knew they were on my mind the whole weekend. My sister also went for me also, bringing the boys a beautiful flower arrangement in a cute elephant vase. My sons have the best Papa and Auntie! I am so lucky to have them step up when I falter.
The guilt of feeling like a horrible baby loss momma is heavy. I feel terrible and still can't figure out how it's possible I could flake on something so important.
I guess what's done is done. I have a similar weekend next month (another niece and friend's other daughters bdays) and I will not forget again.
The guilt is inescapable, no matter what. I'm glad you have such great family to step in for you.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Brooke. We just can escape this. :/ I think it's wonderful that your family visits your boys though. They obviously love you and them so much. In many ways, while Andrew is home with me, I love the idea of our family having a place to go to be alone with our son as well. They don't and I wish they did.
ReplyDeleteSee what I mean about the guilt? No matter what, we'll always have it.
I think it's inevitable that we forget to make our lost angels a priority. Especially when another child is in the picture. I told myelf I would celebrate my twins every 6 months on their birthday and I did nothing this month. I thought about them and wrote a post, but I did nothing FOR them. It's hard.
ReplyDeleteJust know that you are human and that there will always be a next time.