This past weekend I took a trip up to the area where I grew up and where William and Ethan are buried. It was a crazy busy weekend celebrating my niece's birthday, a friend's daughter's birthday and making sure important family and friends got to see Maxwell.
It wasn't until I was an hour into the trip home that I realized the one thing I overlooked...I hadn't gone to the cemetery! I drove by after dark when it was closed and blew the twins kisses but I never made it back the next morning. I was talking to my sister when I realized what I had done. The guilt was so over whelming...how could I have done that!?! Did I really forget to go...forget to visit them on one of my not so frequent trips to the area?!?
Yes..yes I did.
I cried practically all of the remainder of the 3 hour drive. There just aren't words for how truly awful I feel about not visiting William and Ethan's grave. It's not like I can go any time.
My sister called me after she knew I was home and gave me the only reassurance possible. My dad had gone to the cemetery not too long after I had left and had a chat with the boys since he wasn't sure if I had gone or not. He explained how busy it was and that he knew they were on my mind the whole weekend. My sister also went for me also, bringing the boys a beautiful flower arrangement in a cute elephant vase. My sons have the best Papa and Auntie! I am so lucky to have them step up when I falter.
The guilt of feeling like a horrible baby loss momma is heavy. I feel terrible and still can't figure out how it's possible I could flake on something so important.
I guess what's done is done. I have a similar weekend next month (another niece and friend's other daughters bdays) and I will not forget again.