More and More Random Thoughts...

(Mommy & Maxwell time!)

Maxwell has been a whirlwind of joy, stress, love and fear for the last couple of weeks! He has put me through my paces and I wouldn't change a thing (except the biting...). I can barely string sentences together but have so much on my mind thus the random train of thought format that has taken a week to write.

• Chicago Rainbow Gathering... I can't say it better than has been said already...amazing! I am so glad I skipped social grace and invited my self! (Although it seems like that's how the gathering started any way.) I know I am a fringe member of this particular group (I didn't know everyone well or some at all before going)...but it didn't matter a bit. The power of our shared experience, this sisterhood of loss, brought a level of comfort around people I haven't felt since way before I had to deal with infertility and infant loss. 

(Some if the rainbow babies wearing their hats...thank you Sonya & her mom!)

(Candles lit for the babies that we are missing)

• I have ordered replacement charms for my necklace...William & Maxwell's went missing during our Chicago trip. I didn't realize how much of a touchstone W&E's charms were on my rough grief days. I also ordered a remembrance necklace that is just for W&E. I can't wait to get them!

(Can't wait for my necklace to be complete again!)

• Maxwell has changed so much in the last month! Not two hours after returning from Chicago he properly crawled and pulled himself up to standing. The rainbow babies were great teachers! Maxwell is also copying us far more and adding to his repertoire of signature moves. He can blow kisses, clap endlessly, raise his hands when you say woo-hoo and "raise the roof" like his a club kid! He is starting to cruise around holding on to furniture. He is not so steady and has earned his bruises and new nickname of "Crash."

(Mwah...a kiss from me to you!)

(Cruising on the coffee table)

• Maxwell's first birthday is coming up quick (less than 2 weeks, eek!) And two parties are in the works. A small one at home the weekend he turns 1 and another much bigger one 2 weeks later at my sister's near my home town. That one is more of a "meet Maxwell" party since so many upstate relatives and family friends have only seen him in photos.

• Teething...ouch. In the last month Maxwell has been working on 4 top teeth. This week all four have cut through and M doesn't know what to do with his mouth full of teeth. There has been lots of biting of fingers, toys and during nursing. I am in serious pain...I have been consistent with telling him not to bite and ending the nursing session so hopefully that will end soon. I am not sure the "girls" can take much more. I am sad that I have considered weaning for the first time. I want it to be baby led, but the biting has to stop!

(Ouch!!!)

• I found a bottle of now expired Visine in my medicine cabinet. I can't bring myself to toss it...it was purchased for me on the morning of 12/05/2010. Ethan was still alive, William was dead and we had just left the hospital where I gave birth and my parents were driving is to the hospital 2 hours away where Ethan was in a higher level NICU.

• Maxwell and Daddy have so much fun playing lately. Watch D play with M fills my heart with love, joy and sadness. It is gut-wrenching knowing that two little boys didn't get this chance. We didn't get the chance at those two boys.

(Maxwell, Daddy & the girl cousins playing with blocks)

• We had to pay another chunk of change to keep our last two embies in cryo storage. We aren't ready to try again yet, but we know they are there. We want a living sibling for M and when we are ready that will be our last chance. I don't think another fresh ivf cycle is a great idea so they are it. William, Ethan, Maxwell and the last two embies (as well as two lost during transfers) are all from one very successful egg retrieval. I kind of like that they are all from the same batch.

• I realized that Maxwell's birthday and the twin's positive pregnancy blood work took place the same week 2 years apart. The embryo transfer that gave us Maxwell took place the same week as the twin's first birthday. Kind of crazy! 

• Other firsts for Maxwell...haircut, trips to the town pool with his own rec badge, fun in his own kiddie pool and probably others I have forgotten to mention. So many firsts we wish we had with W&E.