Friday, August 2, 2013

Reality Check

Earlier this week I bumped into a coworker and her daughters as I was walking Maxwell to the park in his new super trike (which he totally loves).

Cruising the living room.

It wasn't until I walked away that I realized how big her youngest was...she's going to be 3 this Fall. And that's when it all came together and I wanted to throw up. She was born about a month before my twins (4 months before my actual due date) and she is almost 3. I  saw her run, climb, go down a slide and call to Mom using complete sentences. Just like my boys should be. Should. Damn I hate that word now. F-ing should.

She's never been a grief trigger for me...she's a girl, a singleton, I hardly ever see it's never been a big deal. This time it was and it made my heart break all over again for my friends that are missing their baby girls. 

It was a reality check I really didn't need or want...and my heart just aches. 

F-ing should...yes they F-ing should be here. If only love was enough to make it so.


  1. So sorry, ugh it's so hard when those moments hit you, especially when it's so unexpected. I've experienced that and it SO hard and you're absolutely right it's fucking unfair and shouldn't be the case. I have an old friend from college that named her daughter who was born just a month after we lost our Lily the same name (she had no idea we'd lost our daughter at the time). Anyway she still doesn't get how horribly painful it is for me to see pics and hear updates about her daughter. My Lily should be almost the same age and experiencing all the same milestones, but she's not and it freaking sucks.

    Sending love & thoughts your way ((hugs))

  2. Speak in sentences?

    Gasp. That gets me, too. :/

  3. If only. . . ugh. All the should-have-beens. Sucks when they catch you off guard too.

  4. I was just thinking about that word "should" as I told a new coworker about Bear and how he Would be two. F you world--he Should be two.