Sunday, November 24, 2013

I am not sure how to do this...

I am trying very hard to get through not let everything around me magnify my grief... and it's not going so well overall. Luckily work keeps me busy (and out of my head) and Maxwell keeps me focused on the now plus provides more smiles than I can count. There is just so much around me that make the quiet moments hard to bare.

The hardest thing to deal with is the very nearness of William & Ethan's 3rd birthday. November flew by in a flash and December is almost here. Trying to make it to the 4th is exhausting. I want to honor them in a happy way but I am not sure I have it in me this year. I miss them so very much. It feels just as hard as the first birthday without them. It is just the worst feeling. 

Yet another teacher at school announced she is pregnant (we are up to 6 for the year but 3 are now on maternity leave). I should be on that list too, but I'm not. I can't stay in the same room as the one teacher that was due a few weeks before me. She is showing now and of course is adorable prompting lots of comments and conversations. It makes me bitter so it is best if I avoid those situations.

I found out a former co-worker will be an aunt to twins around the time I was due. It also doesn't help that twins are every where...especially ones between the ages of 2-4. Thanks universe...I know what I am reminders necessary.

The thing I feel the most guilty about, and is sooo hard to deal with, is trying to be supportive/excited about my sister's pregnancy. She is due a month after I was supposed to be due so it is a constant reminder that I am not pregnant. She is also expecting twins so it is impossible not to be terrified for her because of what I went through. 

She is nervous and scared because she knows...she was my biggest support after I lost my twins. She has heard me talk about the gritty reality of loss. My sister is the one person in my real life that understands better that anyone. And I am not very good at supporting her through her fear. I wish I could.

I hope more than anything that her babies make it in to her arms safely. I can't help but be jealous if her though...for so many reasons. I find it hard to smile and get excited as she prepares and I hear about the plans they need to make. If all goes well (please, please, PLEASE), their family of four will grow to six which means new living arrangements, new car and a need for baby gear since their youngest daughter is 6. Hearing about any of it shreds my heart. I want to be a part of it all but I can't get excited.

 I worry about how will be with these babies. I know I will love them, but will I be able to be as close as I am with my nieces? Will I keep them at arms length because they at twins? Or because they are the same age as my youngest son should be?

I don't dare ask how much more or what else I can deal with because that is always an invitation from the universe to throw something else my way. I think I may be at my limit, so universe, can I have a break for a bit? That would be great, thanks.