Anticipation...

I haven't had much to write about lately...everyday is filled to the brim with school, someone in my house recovering from some sort of illness, dealing with snow and of course all of the wild craziness that comes with a 19 month old boy! And of course the grief. The grief has taken so much energy. I miss my twins, I mourn their loss as well as the loss of my latest pregnancy. So many things stop me in my tracks each and every day. 

This week I am trying to work my way through the anxiety of going to my sister's baby shower for her boy/girl twins expected to arrive in little over a month. I love my sister and she has turned out to be my best friend and greatest ally. Of course I want to be there and celebrate her babies. But that anticipation...the effort of trying to be "ok"  and hoping more than anything her babies are ok...is running me into the ground. 

Truthfully, I am not ok. I am barely holding it together. I am reminded everyday of what I am not...I am not raising my twins, I am not pregnant, I am not able to talk about pregnancy and new babies easily, I am not comfortable looking at pictures of newborn twins, I am not one of the 22 women I know that have had or will hopefully have their babies since I found out my pregnancy was over and I will never really be ok. 

I think I will be better once this shower is done, my due date has passed and hopefully my sister's babies arrive safely. Until then I need try not to dwell in the anticipation and anxiety that goes with it. 

Numbers on my Mind

This a count down of sorts. I meant for it to be my New Years Eve post but life gets in my way sometimes.

4...the number of sons I have carried. This boggles my mind since I only have Maxwell. I think about William, Ethan and our shooting star constantly...easily as much as I think of Maxwell.

3...pregnancies to date. Again, mind boggling.

2...number of embryos still in cryo-storage. Our last chances at a (living) sibling for Maxwell.

1...living child. My rainbow baby, my sunshine. My reason for smiles on most days.

0...number of daughters so far. Perhaps later, only the future knows.