Friday, June 24, 2011

School's Out for Summer!

Yesterday was the last staff day at school and it was bittersweet for sure. On one hand I am super psyched to have a nice long break. This year was tough. By the end I was managing pretty well, but soooo very ready for it to be done. I also said so long to several colleagues that I am sad to see leave. Some by choice, some not. The teacher who lost her 25 year old son the same weekend I lost William and Ethan has decided to retire. She is going to travel with her husband and has certainly earned some happy days. Two teachers were not is upsetting how it was handled and I will miss seeing them on a daily basis. Two others are leaving to move on to new adventures. All of them supported me through my heartbreaking return to school and I love them dearly. For all its ups and downs, drama and laughter, my co-workers are family (some I wish I could get rid of...but you can't, just like family).

This summer holds lots of exciting possibilities and I am trying to grasp the reality of "tying again." The last few weeks I haven't thought about it much, but I need to start. Moving forward is a big deal. Mentally preparing is going to be a major focal point of my summer. I am trying very hard not to focus on the "should be" and what this summer was supposed to look like. In a parallel universe is the only place my boys lived. I am not there and I must focus on what is...I miss them, but I can't go to the dark place of wondering what I could/should be doing.

Father's Day was last weekend and I was in a pretty good place going in to it, my dear hubby had a harder time. He is a hard person to read sometimes. Of course he is grieving, I know that, but he doesn't show it very often. Sunday, he woke before me and took some private time to grieve. I woke up when he came upstairs to shower and he tried to hide his tears from me. I realized he was crying in the shower and followed him in. It broke my heart that he feels he needs to hide his tears. I hugged him and he cried the most I have seen since their funeral. He gets misty-eyed, but never cries in front of me. I know I have been so focused on my healing that I haven't given his grieving much thought. I want to do more for him, but he needs to let me and be open to grief...that is very hard for him.

Yesterday I found out that the New York Assembly and Senate recently passed legislation granting a certificate of still birth. (Read more here If the Governor signs it means my William  could be granted a birth certificate (if passed I can apply retroactively). It has always bothered me that my boys do not get equal acknowledgement. They both were alive, William died during birth and Ethan died from complications of being born prematurely a day later. It may not do much more than provide me peace of mind, but that in itself is a HUGE thing.


  1. I am still waiting to get me cert. of stillbirth in the mail. I know its not a real birth certificate but at least it recognizes that they were still born.
    I am in the process of ttc now and I have been trying so hard to stay optimistic, but like you said it is hard to not want to focus on the "what should be". I wish you guys the best.

  2. So sorry to hear about the rough father's day. My husband hides his grief well, too, and kept pretty quiet about how difficult the day was. I think it's put both of us in a bit of a slump this week, though.

  3. The UK does a certificate of stillbirth. I hope you are able to get one soon.