Sunday, April 1, 2012

A number is just a number, except when it's not.

Their are lots of dates and numbers that take on special significance or act as triggers when you are a Baby Loss Mamma...due dates, birth and death dates and other milestones. Last year my due date (3/27) was a difficult day emotionally. This year It passed with out much notice (I realized two days later) and that date doesn't hold the emotional weight it did last year. I am glad for that because really, so few babies are born on their due date and mine came sooo much earlier.

William and Ethan were born at 23w6d...the 24th week. The week of supposed viability. That was a pretty big milestone and I am so anxious about getting past that milestone in this pregnancy. Only four weeks until I will be more pregnant than I have ever been.

The most significant date is obviously my boys' birthday, the 4th of December (also Williams's death) paired with the 5th which was the day we lost Ethan. The 4th of each month passes with a heavy heart because it is another month with out my boys.

As if I needed further proof of the universe's perverse sense of humor. I found out how twisted it really is when I was updating the two month "at-a-glance" calendar in our home office. I find not looking too far ahead helpful in curbing my anxiety about this pregnancy and I note each week change for the hubby. As I was filling in May I realized, with great panic, that I will hit 23w6d on the 4th of May.

I had to sit down and catch my breath after that realization. It is not as though each of those dates/milestones carry a heavy burden, but to see them paired together again freaks me out. As much as I tell myself they are just numbers I can't shake the impact of knowing what happened last time.

Yes it is a different pregnancy and a completely different month but how do I shake this fear? How do I remove the power from those numbers? How is it possible to hit those numbers again?

I guess I just have to wait, get through it the best I can...freak outs and all. Here's hoping that this time around the universe will let me stay pregnant and bring home a living baby that is carried to term. Women do it all the time...can it be my turn?


  1. Those two dates, the fourth and fifth, are our biggest trigger dates, too. (Our daughter's sac ruptured the 4th and led us to have to decide our babies' fates that night while they still had heartbeats, and they were delivered on the 5th.) The first six months of 4/5 dates were hardest and I saw them coming. The 7 month anniversary caught me unaware...although after finding both DH and I moping around unmotivated, and then having DH go back to bed at about 10 a.m., I finally glanced at the calendar and thought, duh, no wonder. I imagine at some point, maybe in a couple of years, those dates will pass more easily, but I'm sure we won't be totally unaffected.

    Thinking of you, Jessica...

  2. I understand about dates. They should carry so my weight, but they do. I have learned to be okay with that. My dates are the 12th and 26th. They pain me when I lease expect it. Sometimes I am fine, other times I am not.
    I pray that it is your turn to surpass those scary few weeks soon.

  3. Like you, I found the date (in my case, the 6th) to become manageable after several months, but I totally understand why that correlation of dates would get to you. I hope that the days pass uneventfully because as far as I'm concerned, it is most definitely your turn.

  4. Gosh, I don't know how to remove yourself from those numbers. I still have a hard time with them. I wouldn't even write the next week (30 weeks, 31, etc etc) on the calendar until I was literally in that week. I couldn't write the week change ahead of time during B's pregnancy. With Andrew, I had that baby plotted out until he was 5 years old (practically).

    In the same sense, I had to hold my breath every Sunday as we neared the end of B's pregnancy because I was certain that if he were to die, it would be on a Sunday, like his brother. SO twisted and so irrational. But ya know... who says a mom who has experienced loss should be rational. Just know we understand you and to be kind on yourself during those times. Distractions are vital.

  5. Just hugs, my friend. Hang in there. You can do this.