Their are lots of dates and numbers that take on special significance or act as triggers when you are a Baby Loss Mamma...due dates, birth and death dates and other milestones. Last year my due date (3/27) was a difficult day emotionally. This year It passed with out much notice (I realized two days later) and that date doesn't hold the emotional weight it did last year. I am glad for that because really, so few babies are born on their due date and mine came sooo much earlier.
William and Ethan were born at 23w6d...the 24th week. The week of supposed viability. That was a pretty big milestone and I am so anxious about getting past that milestone in this pregnancy. Only four weeks until I will be more pregnant than I have ever been.
The most significant date is obviously my boys' birthday, the 4th of December (also Williams's death) paired with the 5th which was the day we lost Ethan. The 4th of each month passes with a heavy heart because it is another month with out my boys.
As if I needed further proof of the universe's perverse sense of humor. I found out how twisted it really is when I was updating the two month "at-a-glance" calendar in our home office. I find not looking too far ahead helpful in curbing my anxiety about this pregnancy and I note each week change for the hubby. As I was filling in May I realized, with great panic, that I will hit 23w6d on the 4th of May.
I had to sit down and catch my breath after that realization. It is not as though each of those dates/milestones carry a heavy burden, but to see them paired together again freaks me out. As much as I tell myself they are just numbers I can't shake the impact of knowing what happened last time.
Yes it is a different pregnancy and a completely different month but how do I shake this fear? How do I remove the power from those numbers? How is it possible to hit those numbers again?
I guess I just have to wait, get through it the best I can...freak outs and all. Here's hoping that this time around the universe will let me stay pregnant and bring home a living baby that is carried to term. Women do it all the time...can it be my turn?