Thursday, July 19, 2012

Empty Arms

Life with Maxwell has been moving at a breakneck pace...he is 5 days old today and I'm not sure how that is possible!

I was discharged from the hospital on Monday but Maxwell is still in the NICU. Thankfully he is doing well but having to walk out of a hospital with empty arms...again...was awful. It brought back so many memories and emotions of having to leave a different hospital without William and Ethan.

But this time it is different. I can go back each day and see, hold, love and and kiss Maxwell. Each time I leave my heart breaks, but I know I can go back or call at any time. I still worry that I'll get the dreaded phone call like I did for Ethan...every time my phone rings I hold my breath.

Even walking in to the NICU I hold my breath which I know is a hold over from having to walk back into the NICU that final time to see Ethan, knowing he was already gone. Again...this is a different NICU and a different story, but the fear is there.

Two days ago I walked in and the baby in the space neighboring Maxwell was gone...she was born over a month who and probably at the youngest age (27 weeks) that this NICU will admit. She is very very tiny. Seeing her spot empty threw me into a panic and knowing they would not tell me where she was or what happened (patient confidentiality). For two hours I contemplated talking to Maxwell's nurse even if it was to reach out to this baby's parents because I know something about their pain.

You can imagine my relief when I walked through the NICU and turned the corner to head to the rest room and there she was! My relief was so intense I started to cry. When I got back to Maxwell's spot I had to tell someone so I unloaded on our nurse. Thank goodness the NICU staff is so understanding and supportive! She explained how they like to shuffle spaces around based on need and variety. Whew!

I repeated this mantra to myself throughout my pregnancy and continue to do so...this time is different.

(ps- thank you for your many kind words and congratulations. They are appreciated beyond measure! Specific updates and photos on Maxwell will be posted on his space will continue to be William & Ethan's space, my grief and related topics which will undoubtably include Maxwell.)


  1. It is hard. When I was discharged and left Bobby and Maya behind... it was all those awful feelings again. Being able to go back and visit was very helpful, but it still wasnt the 24/7 we are all hoping for.

    Sending hugs and lots of thoughts.

  2. You know that I understand so well.. it's been 2 months for us. The best way I can look at it is that it is indeed different- these boys are very much alive and growing so I have to appreciate that even though I can't take them home with me just yet. Sometimes S jokes that we should just hide them in a bag and sneak out! LOL! Sending love and light...

  3. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to go through the NICU again after losing William and Ethan, and especially to leave without Maxwell every day. I will be praying he grows quickly and gets to come home with you soon.

  4. I couldn't leave the NICU at all, so I give you so much love and admiration for that. I know it's hard.

    I'm so thankful baby Maxwell is doing so well and I am SO relieved to know that the other baby has been moved. In the 4 days B was in the NICU, I was always wondering why they moved the beds around. Scared me a lot! They even moved B in those 4 days from one area to another and he was never in an isolette, so there was no need.

    Congrats again. So wonderful.