Was not going to go there...

Oh, but I have!

I wasn't going to plan much for Speck...only the necessities, not the nursery design, not a stroller, none of it until it was almost time for his arrival because I know all the things that could change and go horribly wrong before this is a real live take home baby.

Except that crazy thing called hope did more than creep back in after we found out it is a boy nestled in there. As a matter of fact hope came around and took over all logical sense that I had! I know have a Pinterest board for planning the Nursery, have pretty much decided on a stroller and contemplated a name or two.

I wasn't going to do this...it seemed like an impossibility. But now that I know my boys have a new brother I feel the incredible need to celebrate this pregnancy more than I have so far...I think I am finally connected to Speck in a way I hadn't been until now. This is real and as terrified as I am that something could go wrong, I have fallen head over heals for Speck.

He is mine and I am his Mom, no matter what may come in the next 19 weeks. I am in love, again, more than I thought I could be.

I wasn't going to let this much hope back in, but hope can be kind of pushy I guess. Just to show hope that I haven't lost my mind I will make plans, but I won't make any purchases any time soon. That full on investment can wait a bit longer!

On track...

This week, in the lead up to the "big" ultrasound (aka the anatomy scan), was a bit rough on the anxiety scale. I was thrown over the edge yesterday when the Hubby found out that he would not be able to join me. Ugh!

All said and done, the scan went very well with the exception of the Speck not changing positions to get a perfect view of the heart. The tech assured me things look fine, they just need measurements from a different angle to be 100% sure.

And there was very little doubt that this baby is most definitely a boy! More than once he was flaunting his goods...so much so that the tech couldn't help but chuckle.

It is such a huge relief to know that everything is looking good (baby is on track and cervix still crazy long) especially with the hormone induced emotions coupled with the anxiety of being a Babyloss Mama. I know this sense of relief will only last a short time, but it is so much better than the alternative.

I am a mother of three boys! Fingers crossed that this one gets to come home to live with us!

Halfway

20 Weeks...half way to a full term pregnancy. That is today's milestone and all I really want is to make it all the way to the end and bring home a living baby.

Last time I made it only to 23w6d...4 weeks past where I am today. That is a scary thought, but this time it's different. A singleton vs twin pregnancy will hopefully make a difference.

Next week is our anatomy scan...I am nervous about things being ok with the baby and ok with my cervix. I am excited about finding out the sex of the baby...we are big planners so not knowing would drive us batty! So I am trying to balance the nervousness with the excitement.

The motto is "so far so good" and here's hoping it stays that way!!!

A number is just a number, except when it's not.

Their are lots of dates and numbers that take on special significance or act as triggers when you are a Baby Loss Mamma...due dates, birth and death dates and other milestones. Last year my due date (3/27) was a difficult day emotionally. This year It passed with out much notice (I realized two days later) and that date doesn't hold the emotional weight it did last year. I am glad for that because really, so few babies are born on their due date and mine came sooo much earlier.

William and Ethan were born at 23w6d...the 24th week. The week of supposed viability. That was a pretty big milestone and I am so anxious about getting past that milestone in this pregnancy. Only four weeks until I will be more pregnant than I have ever been.

The most significant date is obviously my boys' birthday, the 4th of December (also Williams's death) paired with the 5th which was the day we lost Ethan. The 4th of each month passes with a heavy heart because it is another month with out my boys.

As if I needed further proof of the universe's perverse sense of humor. I found out how twisted it really is when I was updating the two month "at-a-glance" calendar in our home office. I find not looking too far ahead helpful in curbing my anxiety about this pregnancy and I note each week change for the hubby. As I was filling in May I realized, with great panic, that I will hit 23w6d on the 4th of May.

I had to sit down and catch my breath after that realization. It is not as though each of those dates/milestones carry a heavy burden, but to see them paired together again freaks me out. As much as I tell myself they are just numbers I can't shake the impact of knowing what happened last time.

Yes it is a different pregnancy and a completely different month but how do I shake this fear? How do I remove the power from those numbers? How is it possible to hit those numbers again?

I guess I just have to wait, get through it the best I can...freak outs and all. Here's hoping that this time around the universe will let me stay pregnant and bring home a living baby that is carried to term. Women do it all the time...can it be my turn?