Tomorrow is the big day...Maxwell has his out-patient surgery to correct his hypospadias. To say I am a nervous wreck is still putting it mildly. I spent most of today drinking in my baby boy, holding him tight and taking snapshots of today and committing them to memory...just in case.
Goofy grumbly faces, huge smiles, slobbery kisses, chubby legs kicking in the water, the weight of his body against mine as he drifted off to sleep, his hand reaching out to grab my face as he nursed...all moments that I tried to carefully memorize. They are moments that I enjoy every day and not take for granted because of what I don't have.
I am terrified of the what if that hangs over tomorrow. What if something goes wrong? What if I loose him too? While the surgery is routine, I know that it can all go wrong in an instant. While I am fighting to push that thought to the back of my head, it is a hard battle.
On top of the stress of the surgery, a potentially nasty snow storm is heading our way. It makes the trip to and from the surgical center less than ideal. There is also a knot forming in my stomach because the days around William & Ethan's birth were snowy and the day we lost Ethan there was terrible storm and we barely made it to and from the NICU hospital. This is an entirely different situation, but thanks to a little PTSD the worry feels magnified.
All I want is to get through tomorrow and have my baby boy sleeping in my arms tomorrow night.
Two pieces of my heart that are gone forever and a new piece that brought back joy.
I'll be thinking of you guys. How unfortunate that Mother Nature has to send a snowstorm *now* of all times. I know those PTSD triggers well.
ReplyDeletePraying surgery goes smoothly and Maxwell recovers easily. My little one is at risk for hypospadias, too; we'll be checking thoroughly at the anatomy scan next week to see if we can see anything. I don't wan to have to have him go through a surgery, but everything I've read says it's fairly routine.
Hugs to you!
Those ugly triggers. :/
ReplyDeleteI will be thinking of you and Maxwell all day, hoping it all goes swimmingly well and boring for doctors. Easy. Not difficult. Hopeful for that. Wishing him back into your arms very soon, mama.
I can easily imagine the stress of it all, and the knot in your stomach. Thinking of you and hoping that it is an easy surgery and easy recovery.
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