Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Catching My Breath

For about a week now it feels as though I can't catch my breath...or a break from grief.

All of last week the lead up to Mother's Day grew more difficult each day. The media blitz of advertising was like a million little pin pricks to my heart. Considering the sheer volume of ads on the radio, tv and internet it is any wonder I survived the week...last Wednesday I was in the car on my way after a blood draw at my RE and there were literally 30 references to Mother's Day in 25 minutes (yes, I counted).

It did not help that Wednesday was the 4th...their five month birthday. Has so little time actually passed? It feels more like a lifetime.

Going back to my RE for bloodwork was not easy either. Here I am a year later (almost exactly) starting the process of getting ready for another IVF cycle. The whole morning all that I could think of was "I should not be doing babies should be alive." I did catch a little break I guess...all my levels were ok so we are good to go. Today I am scheduled for a saline sono...definitely not looking forward to that appointment.

By Friday I was holding on by a thread and at lunch that thread was frayed even more...The teacher I found out was pregnant joined us in the teacher lounge for lunch. I am in a pretty good head space with pregnacy but a thoughtless comment by the music teacher stunned me into silence and I had to leave for fear of completely loosing it. This teacher is notorious for his off color comments...he does it to be funny and everyone calls him out on it when he goes too far. In spite of this he is a caring, kind person and I know he meant no harm. When the pregnant teacher walked in the music teacher proceeded to ask her how she was doing and then went on and on about "are you havibg twins? Triplets? You're sure its not twins?" At yhis point I got up and so who knows if someone let him know he crossed a line.

Saturday we had a big family dinner with one side of my husband's family...that side of the family is quite large (lots of cousins) so we got a private room at a Chinese restaurant for a mini banquet. One cousin and his wife lost a baby was several years ago and they were so kind to us. Another cousin surprised us with her 3 month old son...i may have known she was pregnant but had not bermn told she had the baby. To see the family fawning over this beautiful little boy was like a knife turning in my chest. My boys should be here too...we should also be getting told that this gathering does not count as a baby banquet (a banquet celebrating a baby's birth around their 3 month mark is a tradition in Chinese families). We definitely weren't as social because of this...hopefully everyone understands.

I tried to keep myself busy on Sunday. I did call my Mom but other than that I avoided the fact that it was Mothers Day. Much digging, plant rearranging and mulching was done. I was physically exhausted and emptionally drained by the end of the day. I got through it snd ir could have been worse. There was a sadness I couldn't shake but seeing my front garden imprivements was satisfying.

I am still trying to get back to a better state of mind. I decided to take today off for a little bit of time to take care of myself and have less stress before my saline sono. There is slightly less than 2 weeks until my art show at school so lots of time will be going towards that...this is a recharge day to get me through to June.

I know there are some spelling errors in my post...both my computer and ipod have died so this is being written on my husbands ipad and scrolling doesnt seem possible. Ugh!


  1. I know. I'm struggling too. How can we keep a positive frame of mind when the babies are not with us. I'm just not sure it's possible and I miss him so much.

  2. Thinking of you as you start your cycle, I'll be starting Lupron in 10 more days.

  3. I know just what you mean to feel like you're exactly back where you started a year ago. It's heartbreaking and infuriating and exhausting. Thinking of you as you continue to move forward with courage and hope.