The Things I Can't Say...

More and more often I find myself wanting to respond to a comment I over hear or in conversations with co-workers...but honestly I would alienate those I like and offend perfect strangers. Instead of keeping it bottled up in my head I will post them here.

"You think the weather is depressing?!? Imagine how depressing it is to have two dead babies."

"I did not have a miscarriage...my babies were born prematurelyand died as a result. HUGE difference!!!"

"Seriously...you are asking you friend to be a surrogate because you hate being pregnant and how your body looks afterwards?!? If you were infertile you wouldn't find this funny...it would be reality you vain piece of sh*t."

After over hearing a conversation about a baby arriving before or after a due date in October..."it would be great if your baby arrives at all."

During conversation with preggo co-worker..."I remember when I craved milk when I was pregnant."

There are a few more that I have already forgotten. The last comment was one that I really wanted to say, but I have discovered I make people really uncomfortable when I mention my pregnancy so now I just stay quiet.

I'm Tired...

Physically and emotionally I am exhausted.

Art show prep is in it's final days which means lots of extra time at school. Yesterday we had a crazy downpour and my street flooded...that left my backyard with 3" of water in it plus I head to wade through knee high water to get to my house. A combo of bailing, pumping and wet vacing kept most of the water out of the basement. These are some key reasons for my physical exhaustion.

Clearly grief is the root of my emotional exhaustion...that kind of goes without saying I suppose. Honestly, I am tired of feeling the way I do. I love my boys and I miss them with every particle of my being. While my triggers don't drag me down to my darkest depths like they used to, however they still cause a hurt that can't be ignored.

Feeling something close to normal feels like a dream...

Catching My Breath

For about a week now it feels as though I can't catch my breath...or a break from grief.

All of last week the lead up to Mother's Day grew more difficult each day. The media blitz of advertising was like a million little pin pricks to my heart. Considering the sheer volume of ads on the radio, tv and internet it is any wonder I survived the week...last Wednesday I was in the car on my way after a blood draw at my RE and there were literally 30 references to Mother's Day in 25 minutes (yes, I counted).

It did not help that Wednesday was the 4th...their five month birthday. Has so little time actually passed? It feels more like a lifetime.

Going back to my RE for bloodwork was not easy either. Here I am a year later (almost exactly) starting the process of getting ready for another IVF cycle. The whole morning all that I could think of was "I should not be doing this...my babies should be alive." I did catch a little break I guess...all my levels were ok so we are good to go. Today I am scheduled for a saline sono...definitely not looking forward to that appointment.

By Friday I was holding on by a thread and at lunch that thread was frayed even more...The teacher I found out was pregnant joined us in the teacher lounge for lunch. I am in a pretty good head space with pregnacy but a thoughtless comment by the music teacher stunned me into silence and I had to leave for fear of completely loosing it. This teacher is notorious for his off color comments...he does it to be funny and everyone calls him out on it when he goes too far. In spite of this he is a caring, kind person and I know he meant no harm. When the pregnant teacher walked in the music teacher proceeded to ask her how she was doing and then went on and on about "are you havibg twins? Triplets? You're sure its not twins?" At yhis point I got up and so who knows if someone let him know he crossed a line.

Saturday we had a big family dinner with one side of my husband's family...that side of the family is quite large (lots of cousins) so we got a private room at a Chinese restaurant for a mini banquet. One cousin and his wife lost a baby also...it was several years ago and they were so kind to us. Another cousin surprised us with her 3 month old son...i may have known she was pregnant but had not bermn told she had the baby. To see the family fawning over this beautiful little boy was like a knife turning in my chest. My boys should be here too...we should also be getting told that this gathering does not count as a baby banquet (a banquet celebrating a baby's birth around their 3 month mark is a tradition in Chinese families). We definitely weren't as social because of this...hopefully everyone understands.

I tried to keep myself busy on Sunday. I did call my Mom but other than that I avoided the fact that it was Mothers Day. Much digging, plant rearranging and mulching was done. I was physically exhausted and emptionally drained by the end of the day. I got through it snd ir could have been worse. There was a sadness I couldn't shake but seeing my front garden imprivements was satisfying.

I am still trying to get back to a better state of mind. I decided to take today off for a little bit of time to take care of myself and have less stress before my saline sono. There is slightly less than 2 weeks until my art show at school so lots of time will be going towards that...this is a recharge day to get me through to June.

I know there are some spelling errors in my post...both my computer and ipod have died so this is being written on my husbands ipad and scrolling doesnt seem possible. Ugh!

So Much Is Going On...

Last week I didn't post about my appointment with my RE. I meant to, I just got wound up in prepping for my school's art show at the end of the month and the March for Babies. There is much to share.

The appointment went well. I have some testing (bloodwork, saline sonogram) to take of this cycle. After consulting with my doctor we are going to try for a single embryo transfer in August. There is part of me that is comfortable with this plan and a whole other that wants to try for twins again...even if the chance is small. My dr felt that our current plan is safer. However, if the August transfer is unsuccessful we go back to two embryo transfers to up the odds in spite of the multiples risk. I am still scared shitless but pleased that there is a plan.

The March for Babies was a huge success... The weather was wonderful, I was surrounded by friends and family and we have raised over $3,000!!! I expected to feel more emotional, but I felt good. Our shirts arrived in time and looked great. I was hoping to share a few photos but my computer died so I have to post via my iPod.

Today I had a rough day but was able to keep it together for the most part. I think with Mothers Day coming up my loss is hitting me harder than it has lately. I also found out a coworker is pregnant...it is a teacher I adore otherwise I think it might be harder to deal with. What nearly did me in today was the innocent, pure thought of one of my first grade students. They finished glazing their clay sculptures early and had some choice time...most students choose to draw. Sweet little "M" handed my a well drawn picture and in her most sincere way told me "I drew this baby for you since you can't have your twins. Happy Mothers Day." itboggles my mind how intuitive such young children are sometimes.