The Dark Cloud

I am forever grateful for the people in my life who stand by me, give their ear when I need to vent, provide support and lend me strength when mine has run out. These wonderful people are in my real life and online life (and no less real of course). They are friends I see nearly everyday, hardly at all and family. 

I could never have survived grieving my twins with out them. I even learned to start to enjoy this new, surprising, pregnancy when I wasn't sure I could. And now that we have received unexpected news, I imagine I will continue to lean on them for strength and support.

A week ago we found out the results of our first trimester screening and the odds were not in our favor. True to our statistical bad luck, we confirmed what was feared...this baby boy has Downs Syndrome. On top of a scary diagnosis, the hormone levels and NT measurements can't get much worse. Paired with my crappy history of preterm labor, the outlook is kind of bleak. While my doctor tells us it is impossible to tell exactly how this baby will be affected, my instincts scream "prepare for the worst." My doctor also mentioned she would be surprised if I did not miscarry or if I made it to full term (or viably close)...but it is possible. Not exactly confidence inspiring. She is an amazing doctor and I know, despite how negative she sounds, she truly wants the best for us and never fails to be honest. I wouldn't want a doctor willing to tell me everything will be fine when that is unlikely.

Processing this news is an impossible task. I alternate between anger, numbness and tears. I am not sure how much more bad news I can take. After all we've been through and all we know could happen...it is too much. Thank goodness for a broad support network, therapy, an amazing husband and a smiley baby boy. All of them keep me (or remind me) to stay in the present and keep breathing.

I have more questions than there are answers. There is no way to know what is going to happen. I don't want to accept that, but I must learn how to. Come what may, the journey ahead is going to be difficult at best. 

I told a friend that I feel like Eeyore...where ever I go and what ever I do there is a dark cloud hanging over me. Sometimes it hangs back far enough I forget it is following me. Other times it is on top of me like a fog, and sometimes it is a lightening storm shocking me with every step. Whether it is grief, bad news or general crap circumstances...that cloud just won't go away. Thankfully my support network is my umbrella, providing a little bit of shelter from the storm.