I Tried...

And failed. I really wanted to do something for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on October 15th.

I just couldn't and I feel like a horrible baby loss mama as a result. These are the things that make my therapist tell me not to be so hard on myself. I am anyway, but I am trying.

Going through another, very different loss, two weeks early made it even harder than I thought it would be to acknowledge all the precious lives gone before they really started. When I started to make a list of names I became paralyzed with grief and had to stop. I couldn't even light a candle for my own sons...and thus I feel like pond scum.

Every day since I have cried for my sons and for all the babies that are so dearly missed. So, so many...and it shatters my heart that every day there are more. It never gets easier and I'll never forget. Even if I can't always make the public acknowledgement...they are loved and missed.

Disconnected

The last two weeks have been a blur. Maxwell continues to battle day care germs and the molars that seem like they will never come in...and wanting Mama always. Sleep is also for other kids...not mine. It has gotten so bad it seems sine kind of sleep training is a necessity. (Any experiences to share?!?)

Saying goodbye to our littlest son seems unreal...it hardly feels real at all. Perhaps because the entire pregnacy was hard to process or maybe because it wasn't public knowledge. I was trying to process a lot of guilt because I didn't feel like I was grieving enough. Why don't I feel more upset?!? My therapist told me to go easy in myself because in a way I had started the grieving process before he was actually gone. I already started grieving the loss if a chance at "normal" and prepared myself ahead if time for the worse case scenario, just in case.

I still feel a little disconnected but will work through it eventually. Mainly I am fighting to stay social. Phone calls are unreturned, I rarely read blogs or check Instagram or even go on to FB. I hysterical can't summon the interest half the time and the other half is prioritized for Maxwell. 

Grief is weird...and sucks. 

Shooting Star

A shooting star is a fleeting glimpse of something that once was, or maybe what could have been. Sometimes you see one and it takes a moment to realize what you just saw...and for a split second you capture that moment in your memory. You try to cherish what an amazing thing just happened, but it was so fast...so precious...that you think perhaps it might not have been real. 

That is how I am starting to think if my fourth son...my little shooting star. He is gone now. Such a short time with me, a flash across my heart that is now just a memory. There is nothing to hold on to, no earthly reminders. If it weren't for any empty ache I would swear it was my imagination.

My shooting star is free from any burden that may have been his. Untethered from us all, but free. It just wasn't meant to be.