Was not going to go there...

Oh, but I have!

I wasn't going to plan much for Speck...only the necessities, not the nursery design, not a stroller, none of it until it was almost time for his arrival because I know all the things that could change and go horribly wrong before this is a real live take home baby.

Except that crazy thing called hope did more than creep back in after we found out it is a boy nestled in there. As a matter of fact hope came around and took over all logical sense that I had! I know have a Pinterest board for planning the Nursery, have pretty much decided on a stroller and contemplated a name or two.

I wasn't going to do this...it seemed like an impossibility. But now that I know my boys have a new brother I feel the incredible need to celebrate this pregnancy more than I have so far...I think I am finally connected to Speck in a way I hadn't been until now. This is real and as terrified as I am that something could go wrong, I have fallen head over heals for Speck.

He is mine and I am his Mom, no matter what may come in the next 19 weeks. I am in love, again, more than I thought I could be.

I wasn't going to let this much hope back in, but hope can be kind of pushy I guess. Just to show hope that I haven't lost my mind I will make plans, but I won't make any purchases any time soon. That full on investment can wait a bit longer!

On track...

This week, in the lead up to the "big" ultrasound (aka the anatomy scan), was a bit rough on the anxiety scale. I was thrown over the edge yesterday when the Hubby found out that he would not be able to join me. Ugh!

All said and done, the scan went very well with the exception of the Speck not changing positions to get a perfect view of the heart. The tech assured me things look fine, they just need measurements from a different angle to be 100% sure.

And there was very little doubt that this baby is most definitely a boy! More than once he was flaunting his goods...so much so that the tech couldn't help but chuckle.

It is such a huge relief to know that everything is looking good (baby is on track and cervix still crazy long) especially with the hormone induced emotions coupled with the anxiety of being a Babyloss Mama. I know this sense of relief will only last a short time, but it is so much better than the alternative.

I am a mother of three boys! Fingers crossed that this one gets to come home to live with us!

Halfway

20 Weeks...half way to a full term pregnancy. That is today's milestone and all I really want is to make it all the way to the end and bring home a living baby.

Last time I made it only to 23w6d...4 weeks past where I am today. That is a scary thought, but this time it's different. A singleton vs twin pregnancy will hopefully make a difference.

Next week is our anatomy scan...I am nervous about things being ok with the baby and ok with my cervix. I am excited about finding out the sex of the baby...we are big planners so not knowing would drive us batty! So I am trying to balance the nervousness with the excitement.

The motto is "so far so good" and here's hoping it stays that way!!!

A number is just a number, except when it's not.

Their are lots of dates and numbers that take on special significance or act as triggers when you are a Baby Loss Mamma...due dates, birth and death dates and other milestones. Last year my due date (3/27) was a difficult day emotionally. This year It passed with out much notice (I realized two days later) and that date doesn't hold the emotional weight it did last year. I am glad for that because really, so few babies are born on their due date and mine came sooo much earlier.

William and Ethan were born at 23w6d...the 24th week. The week of supposed viability. That was a pretty big milestone and I am so anxious about getting past that milestone in this pregnancy. Only four weeks until I will be more pregnant than I have ever been.

The most significant date is obviously my boys' birthday, the 4th of December (also Williams's death) paired with the 5th which was the day we lost Ethan. The 4th of each month passes with a heavy heart because it is another month with out my boys.

As if I needed further proof of the universe's perverse sense of humor. I found out how twisted it really is when I was updating the two month "at-a-glance" calendar in our home office. I find not looking too far ahead helpful in curbing my anxiety about this pregnancy and I note each week change for the hubby. As I was filling in May I realized, with great panic, that I will hit 23w6d on the 4th of May.

I had to sit down and catch my breath after that realization. It is not as though each of those dates/milestones carry a heavy burden, but to see them paired together again freaks me out. As much as I tell myself they are just numbers I can't shake the impact of knowing what happened last time.

Yes it is a different pregnancy and a completely different month but how do I shake this fear? How do I remove the power from those numbers? How is it possible to hit those numbers again?

I guess I just have to wait, get through it the best I can...freak outs and all. Here's hoping that this time around the universe will let me stay pregnant and bring home a living baby that is carried to term. Women do it all the time...can it be my turn?

Caught in between different opinions...

Friday we got another peak at Speck who is right on target in size and estimated weight. Along with that great news we found out my cervix is ridiculously long (at least 4.5cm). That is also good, but when I was pregnant with my boys it was nice and long until it wasn't...but that is why I am now going to checked every two weeks.

The hard part of all of this (apart from all the anxiety of being pregnant after loss) is that my regular OB and my high risk doctor disagree about the 17p shots I started last week (and had 2 by Friday's appt). The regular OB is thinking along the lines of better safe than sorry. The high risk doctor does not see me as an ideal candidate and feels the risks do not out weigh the potential benefits at this point. Unmm...risks? She kind of rushed through those last time I saw her but this time she pointed out one of the greatest risks is fetal demise. Wait... What!?! Yeah, that is a risk I am not willing to take if there are other options we can utilize if there are any changes.

Hubby and I agree that we aren't willing to gamble if there may not be a need to. My regular OB's theory of better safe than sorry isn't sitting so well knowing now. Both doctors agree that this pregnancy, being a singleton vs. twins, has better odds and there is currently no evidence to suggest any other problems other than my body was not capable of carrying a twin pregnancy to term.

So I guess the shots are on hold and we continue to monitor. More wait and see...but that's ok with me.

Every day...

At least once a day (and more often than once is the norm to be honest) I think of you, my sweet William and Ethan. Sometimes it is a passing thought, sometimes it is recalling those precious days of being pregnant with you and every now and then the grief of loosing you sweeps over me like a tidal wave.

It is not nearly as hard as it has been to remember you with a smile rather than tears. For that I am grateful...while the heartbreak is still there, I would much rather think of my boys with love and a smile. They deserve that. They didn't deserve a life too short and that is the what earns the tears.

We are 16 going on 17...

Weeks that is. And with the 16th week lots of new monitoring/prevention is happening.

Yesterday a nurse came by to administer my first 17-P shot. Nurse M is a pro and super slick at giving what could be a very uncomfortable shot. It is an intermuscular injection (in the glute) and not so different from the Prog.esterone shots from our round of IVF for my boys. My hubby administered those and half the time they HURT...ALOT! For anyone who has to endure a shot in their behind, Nurse M had me lean over a chair, make my feet pigeon-toed and gave the shot pretty high in the muscle (almost my hip). I barely felt the needle go in she is that skilled! I also got to hear Specks heartbeat two times (once before and after the injection as part of my vital signs check) and since I will have these weekly I will get to hear the heartbeat a lot more often. More opportunities to confirm everything is ok? Yes please!!!

The 17-P shots are viewed differently by my two doctors (reg ob & high risk)...the high risk doctor didn't think they were necessary, my ob says if it doesn't cause harm why take a chance by not doing it. Being hyper cautious about nearly everything I am going with the cover all the bases attitude. Better safe than sorry is not a bad motto!
I think the shots do make me feel a little icky the day after, but we'll see how I do with next weeks before I make any judgements.

On Friday I see my high risk doctor again and we start with the cervical checks via ultrasound. This is one will be the first and sets the baseline. I get to go back every two weeks to keep on top of any changes. I feel like a scared kid telling her about getting the shots anyway...but somehow I am sure she will understand the reasoning.

So far so good...I feel movement occasionally (mostly in the morning when I am laying on my back) and definitely growing out of my regular pants. This pregnancy is feeling so much more real and a lot less abstract. It feels like things are going so fast, but I think that is a good thing. I feel like hope is growing stronger with each passing day. Even though fear and anxiety are always present, hope is winning.