Sunday, May 13, 2012

Harder Than I thought ...

The weeks leading up to Mothers Day (with the media/advertising blitz that goes with it) was a little easier this year...of course keeping super busy with my school's art show helped keep me distracted. I was actually quite surprised how little the ads affected me...but was grateful the sting didn't have the same power.

But then I woke up this morning and the weight of what is missing fell on me like a ton of bricks. Actually saying what feels is who is missing that is more accurate. I want my William and Ethan here...I want the sloppy kisses that one year old babies specialize in. I want to hug them and love on them and all the things I can't do because they did not live long enough for any of this to happen.

I had hoped that being pregnant this Mother's Day would make me feel more hopeful or maybe it would be less difficult. I couldn't have been more wrong...the tears and ache are still there.

While I am grateful for the potential baby waiting to arrive and ever hopeful that next year will be different I still miss and long for my first two sons. They will always be missed and forever loved.

I love you William and Ethan! You were the first ones to make me a mother and I think of you all the time.


  1. (((hugs))) Thinking of you and your little ones today.

  2. It's a smidge easier dealing with all the hoopla now that B is with me (proving to outsiders I am a mom no matter what), but still so piercing. It doesn't feel like a day I want to really celebrate because I'm missing the very child who was the cause for celebration at all. A guest of honor.

    Thankful your sweet son is growing well in there. Thinking of you and your sweet William and Ethan.