The "Right Where I Am Project" was created last year by Angie over at http://stilllifewithcircles.blogspot.com...Ihaven't gone back to look but I am pretty sure last year I did not write a post. It felt to heavy and still to difficult to wrap my head around how I was feeling. This year everything feels very different.
Last year, my grief was very heavy and consuming...like I was carrying a heavy boulder of emotion on my back. Now my grief is more like a gray cloud that follows me around. Some days that cloud is more like a fog wrapping around me so I can't see past it, others it is over my head cascading drops of sadness over me, and more often than not it is floating there as a frequent reminder of all that I am missing.
Right now I still miss William and Ethan with the same intensity, but somehow the power of that longing has shifted. Perhaps I am stronger or just more capable of processing my emotions. I think I may miss my sons more than ever being pregnant for with their brother.
Right now I am able to feel hope again, it wasn't easy letting myself get to this point and there are often moments were hope is squashed by fear. I suppose that is to be expected when pregnant again having your heart ripped out with the loss of your twin sons.
Right now I am at a point where I can enjoy this new life growing inside of me even when fear is still present. My heart aches for the sons I will never parent and also feels bigger with love for the son I hope to parent. I am still very aware that there are no guarantees that son #3 will make it into my arms safe and sound, but the potential and hope is there.
Right now there are still two pieces of my heart missing, but my heart has grown a new piece. A piece that started with a seed of hope.