The "Right Where I Am Project" was created last year by Angie over at http://stilllifewithcircles.blogspot.com...Ihaven't gone back to look but I am pretty sure last year I did not write a post. It felt to heavy and still to difficult to wrap my head around how I was feeling. This year everything feels very different.
Last year, my grief was very heavy and consuming...like I was carrying a heavy boulder of emotion on my back. Now my grief is more like a gray cloud that follows me around. Some days that cloud is more like a fog wrapping around me so I can't see past it, others it is over my head cascading drops of sadness over me, and more often than not it is floating there as a frequent reminder of all that I am missing.
Right now I still miss William and Ethan with the same intensity, but somehow the power of that longing has shifted. Perhaps I am stronger or just more capable of processing my emotions. I think I may miss my sons more than ever being pregnant for with their brother.
Right now I am able to feel hope again, it wasn't easy letting myself get to this point and there are often moments were hope is squashed by fear. I suppose that is to be expected when pregnant again having your heart ripped out with the loss of your twin sons.
Right now I am at a point where I can enjoy this new life growing inside of me even when fear is still present. My heart aches for the sons I will never parent and also feels bigger with love for the son I hope to parent. I am still very aware that there are no guarantees that son #3 will make it into my arms safe and sound, but the potential and hope is there.
Right now there are still two pieces of my heart missing, but my heart has grown a new piece. A piece that started with a seed of hope.
Two pieces of my heart that are gone forever and a new piece that brought back joy.
I think your last paragraph sums it up perfectly--a piece (or two, in your case) will always be missing, but our hearts can still expand with new love, which helps makes the loss easier to bear.
ReplyDeleteYour analogies about grief are spot on. I'm sorry you lost your boys, so much heartbreak.
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your twins, William and Ethan. Your blog header, the big heart with the two little heart shaped pieces missing, is just heartbreakingly perfect. I agree that pregnancy does seem to add an extra layer to the missing, an echo of the babies before.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you as you await the birth of your third son.
So beautiful...a seed of hope...'m so sorry for the loss of you twins William and Eric. Hopeful with you for your coming rainbow. Pregnancy after loss is hard and I was terrified all 9 months. It amplified my grief...extra hormones the culprit maybe...but also gave me hope! I pray your rainbow safely reaches your arms with the watch and protection of his brothers! Much love to you, thank you for sharing right where you are <3
ReplyDeleteSending light and love and wonderful thoughts.
ReplyDeleteBeing pregnant after is something else, just such a confusion of feelings and thoughts. Sending you strength to make it through and I am so sorry for the loss of William and Ethan.
ReplyDeleteThat last paragraph was just perfect. Beautiful post. Thinking about you and all THREE of your boys :)
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are missing your William and Ethan. So much love to you as you get through these days of hope and fear.
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautiful piece about grief and hope and the difficulty in striking the balance during a new pregnancy. I am so sorry that William and Ethan are not in your arms. I hope that your third son will arrive safe and well.
ReplyDeleteI hope your son makes it safely into your arms, to let that seed of hope grow and bloom with love and healing. I'm so sorry your sweet boys, William and Ethan are not with you and, that there will always be two pieces of your heart missing, no matter what.
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