Talking with people about my boys has been a challenge...it is emotional, personal and I never know how they might react. There are a few friends that I can talk freely, it can be emotionally draining. Even my husband and I don't talk about them often...at least not without tears.
As my current pregnancy progresses I find myself slipping in mention of my first two sons when ever it feels right. Whether it is comparing pregnancies or discussing picking names I have found more and more ways to talk about them. It helps that I work with alot of women, one of which just became a grandmother and another is pregnant and due a few weeks before me, do there is lots of pregnancy talk in the lunch room.
While there isn't a huge response to me mentioning my sons and my labor experiences (occasionally a sympathetic glance or awkward silence) it feels comfortable talking about them without tears. I also feel like my co-workers have a better idea of what happened. I went in to labor, I delivered two precious babies and they have names.
I am not sure what or when this shift in thinking happened...but I am glad it has happened.
Two pieces of my heart that are gone forever and a new piece that brought back joy.
I'm glad for you too! I find myself talking more about Kristen these days, and I don't care so much about the reaction, or how I'm making the person I'm talking to feel... it feels right to me!!!!
ReplyDeleteAwesome! I was just thinking about this myself, that I wish I *could* talk more freely about my experience than I do. I have a co-worker (a youngster, so nothing like me!) who is pregnant with her first, and hit the gestational age today where I gave birth to my perfect, though dead, twins. My management team told the office about our loss while I was out, but to this day I don't know what they were told, how much, or if they even got how far along I was. (I told the office I was expecting twins at 12w5d b/c I'd been out a lot and was visibly showing. It was sort of a duh...except I lost them 11 days later.)
ReplyDeleteI too have reached this place. I can now show my twins' memory book with someone without breaking down. I can also bring them up in conversation with a smile on my face. It happened around 6 months post delivery. I am so happy I've reached this place. I am happy for you too.
ReplyDeleteI've done this my whole pregnancy. I think it's natural to compare the two and so I do it. I don't know if it makes other people feel uncomfortable or not, but I don't really care because it gives me a chance to talk about my son in a not-so-sad and tragic way. Which is nice for a change.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to read this! I have been feeling the same way. For a while, I wasn't sure that I'd EVER be able to talk about Eliza without crying, but this pregnancy has given a natural avenue for bringing her up and I've found that I am much more comfortable telling people that this isn't my first pregnancy, and even talking about similarities and differences between the pregnancies. I would rather make people uncomfortable than let them assume that I am a naive first-time pregnant mom. It makes me feel good, too, in a strange way, to continue to validate how important she is and the fact that she is the baby who first made me a mom. I'm amazed at how often I can talk about her without feeling heavy-hearted. The grief isn't gone, but it doesn't consume every mention of her, you know?
ReplyDeleteNot that I never mentioned Serenity without such a prompt, but I found that when I was pregnant with Beanie or now when we are out and about, if I start getting the vibe that they think I am a first time mom, it gets my hackles up. Like, I've done this pregnancy and labor thing before, ok? And you might only see one child, but she is not my first.
ReplyDeleteIt is still always daunting and emotional...
take care