Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Right Where I Am: 1 Year, 5 Months, 25 Days

The "Right Where I Am Project" was created last year by Angie over at't gone back to look but I am pretty sure last year I did not write a post. It felt to heavy and still to difficult to wrap my head around how I was feeling. This year everything feels very different.

Last year, my grief was very heavy and I was carrying a heavy boulder of emotion on my back. Now my grief is more like a gray cloud that follows me around. Some days that cloud is more like a fog wrapping around me so I can't see past it, others it is over my head cascading drops of sadness over me, and more often than not it is floating there as a frequent reminder of all that I am missing.

Right now I still miss William and Ethan with the same intensity, but somehow the power of that longing has shifted. Perhaps I am stronger or just more capable of processing my emotions. I think I may miss my sons more than ever being pregnant for with their brother.

Right now I am able to feel hope again, it wasn't easy letting myself get to this point and there are often moments were hope is squashed by fear. I suppose that is to be expected when pregnant again having your heart ripped out with the loss of your twin sons.

Right now I am at a point where I can enjoy this new life growing inside of me even when fear is still present. My heart aches for the sons I will never parent and also feels bigger with love for the son I hope to parent. I am still very aware that there are no guarantees that son #3 will make it into my arms safe and sound, but the potential and hope is there.

Right now there are still two pieces of my heart missing, but my heart has grown a new piece. A piece that started with a seed of hope.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Trying to Be Your "Average" Pregnant Women

The alternate title for this post would be "why I went to see ',' the movie."

Yup...I went and saw it...a pretty unlikely movie choice for a baby loss momma who has battled unknown fertility issues. Honestly the only reason I decided I wanted to go see it was because I needed to laugh at a completely Hollywood-ized depiction of pregnancy. My experiences with pregnancy have been so atypical and stressful that I just needed one night of feeling average or normal.

(FYI...spoilers ahead)

It was not the best movie I've ever seen but I also liked that it wasn't completely shiny happy perfect either. Granted it does have happy endings for pretty much everyone in spite of touching on infertility, adoption, miscarriage, preterm labor and a near miss with maternal death. I laughed, I was cynical and shed not one single tear...ironic since a commercial made me cry a few hours earlier.

Mostly I sat comfortably with the illusion that I was just another pregnant lady seeing this cheesy flick with a girl friend...happily feeling my boy kicking away pretty much the whole time. I left most of my worries at home for a few hours. While the movie might not have been fantastic, the illusion of normalcy was completely worth it.

Friday, May 18, 2012

A Shift...

Talking with people about my boys has been a is emotional, personal and I never know how they might react. There are a few friends that I can talk freely, it can be emotionally draining. Even my husband and I don't talk about them least not without tears.

As my current pregnancy progresses I find myself slipping in mention of my first two sons when ever it feels right. Whether it is comparing pregnancies or discussing picking names I have found more and more ways to talk about them. It helps that I work with alot of women, one of which just became a grandmother and another is pregnant and due a few weeks before me, do there is lots of pregnancy talk in the lunch room.

While there isn't a huge response to me mentioning my sons and my labor experiences (occasionally a sympathetic glance or awkward silence) it feels comfortable talking about them without tears. I also feel like my co-workers have a better idea of what happened. I went in to labor, I delivered two precious babies and they have names.

I am not sure what or when this shift in thinking happened...but I am glad it has happened.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Harder Than I thought ...

The weeks leading up to Mothers Day (with the media/advertising blitz that goes with it) was a little easier this year...of course keeping super busy with my school's art show helped keep me distracted. I was actually quite surprised how little the ads affected me...but was grateful the sting didn't have the same power.

But then I woke up this morning and the weight of what is missing fell on me like a ton of bricks. Actually saying what feels is who is missing that is more accurate. I want my William and Ethan here...I want the sloppy kisses that one year old babies specialize in. I want to hug them and love on them and all the things I can't do because they did not live long enough for any of this to happen.

I had hoped that being pregnant this Mother's Day would make me feel more hopeful or maybe it would be less difficult. I couldn't have been more wrong...the tears and ache are still there.

While I am grateful for the potential baby waiting to arrive and ever hopeful that next year will be different I still miss and long for my first two sons. They will always be missed and forever loved.

I love you William and Ethan! You were the first ones to make me a mother and I think of you all the time.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

The Hair Dilemma

In my last post I mentioned that I had a bizarre pregnancy symptom...icky hair. To be more precise the hair on the top (and only the top) of my head gradually got more and more greasy. It wasn't exactly greasy, waxy would be more accurate. No matter how much I washed it would not go away. It looked like I hadn't washed my hair in months.

After some web searching I tried a few things that worked for soap (cuts grease usually), vinegar rinses, dry shampoo. None of it worked. I had two more last ditch plans: baby shampoo and seeing my hair stylist. The day I called my stylist she was not in so I left a message. Afterwards I went and bought baby shampoo.

I don't know what kind of magic is used in the making of baby shampoo but is is seriously a miracle worker (it got loads of hairspray residue out if my hair in the late 80s when huge hair was in) and it got the bizarro hormone induced waxy mess that was my hair back to normal! From now on if my hair is icky, baby shampoo is my go-to product!!!

Honestly... If waxy head means I'm pregnant and stay that way as long as possible I'll live with it. Honestly, if I was told shaving my head would get this little boy safely in my arms I would do it in a heartbeat if not faster.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

New Territory

I am now more pregnant than I have ever is scary and exciting! William and Ethan arrived far too early at 23w6d. Today I am 24w1d and simultaneously relieved and terrified.

I am so relieved to make it this far with relative ease. Emotionally it is not easy being pregnant after loss. Physically I have been extraordinarily lucky so far. I have no complaints and every symptom manageable. (Except last week's weird waxy hair dilemma which I will say more about later.) From here on I don't know what to expect since this is brand new territory pregnancy-wise.

The nervousness and anxiety has not gone may have multiplied! After experiencing the loss of my first two sons, I know how quickly and unexpectedly things can go from fine to devastating. Just because we are now further along with this baby, there is still so much that can go wrong. At no point will I feel "safe" that everything will turn out fine.

I have let hope back into my heart and and I know that if something should go wrong this be honest I just can't imagine what it will do to me. I'll live...I survived the deaths of William and Ethan. But I am not sure that I will recover. As much as I tried to guard my heart, I can't deny that once again I have fallen head over heals for this new baby.

There's no going retreating from this new territory. One day at a time is one step closer to August. I may be scared out of my wits but I would rather sprint forward to see what is next!