Anxious

A friend I worked with ages ago (before making the career jump from office admin to art education) is pregnant and coming up on her due date. We have stayed in touch through Face.book but rarely see each other in person. I see all of her baby-related updates and wish and hope that everything goes ok. I am anxious and freaked out. After all...shouldn't I be anxious because I am excited and happy for her?!?

Of course I should...but as a baby loss momma I fear the worst. I've lived it, seen it happen to other friends and made connections with other women online that have gone through the loss of their child/children. When I think about it, pregnancy complications, miscarriage, infant loss and still birth seem more "normal" than an average uncomplicated pregnancy that results in a healthy living baby. How f-ed up is that?!?

On a completely unrelated topic, I am thinking of merging my two blogs together. A Speck of Hope is all about Maxwell, but I don't feel the need to separate/segregate my grief for William and Ethan from raising my living son. I am not sure if that makes sense. Basically I think I have a need to stop being two moms (one to a living child and one that grieves her twin sons gone too soon) because the two no longer feel mutually exclusive. There are many days where I want to write about something that is relevant on both blogs and because I can't decide where to write it gets lost in the shuffle and ends up on neither.

Once I figure out how to do it, I will. I hope it won't make RSS feeds bombarded with posts. I know that google reader is going away so however my small group of followers that read both this might make it easier for everyone.